Real Love…
14th February 2025
Love – 2022 / 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really do hope you’re keeping well my lovely, and you are okay. I hope everything is okay and you’re taking great care of yourself {} xxx It’s been such a long time now. It feels much longer than thirteen weeks. I would love to know how you are. I can’t help but worry…
I started writing this at the weekend. I’m glad I did because of what therapy threw up on Monday. It would’ve made this very difficult to write because of the pain. I’m also in a very bad crash now. The last three months have finally caught with me.
I’m oscillating between different thoughts and emotions. They even change throughout the day. It’s not black and white. I sometimes wish it was because it would make it so much easier.
Despite everything, I miss you so much, I really do. I miss everything.
I miss you telling me how you are, how you're feeling and if you slept well.
I miss you telling me how your day is going to be.
I miss you telling me you're about to see coffee.
I miss you telling me what you're cooking, what you're listening to, playing or watching.
I miss your humour and having fun with you.
I miss you sending me photos from your walks and many other things.
I miss us saying good morning, wishing each other a beautiful, relaxing and restful evening, and sometimes saying sleep well and sweet dreams xxx
I miss speaking with you about anything and everything.
I miss sharing your likes, loves and joys, as well as your thoughts, concerns and worries.
I miss sharing everything with you.
I miss sharing all the magic with you, especially the magnificent day and night skies, and all its wonders.
I miss the mutual love, care, support and encouragement we gave each other.
I miss hearing you when I read your messages.
I miss your hugs.
I miss hugging you.
I miss you being in my life.
I miss you... {} xxx
It’s starting to sink in that it is over. I just couldn’t hear the fat lady sing. This really does feel like a tragic opera…
Happy Valentine’s Day my precious sweetheart {} xxx I’ve been thinking about love and what it truly is for a while. It feels like the right time to share my thoughts and feelings with you.
I discovered an incredibly powerful and moving poem, Penelope and Odysseus by Joseph Fasano, on 29th November 2024. I thought of you when I read the last three lines:
“when we step out of the myths
and see the real mess standing before us.
Love is what happens after that.”
Joseph Fasano – from The Last Song of the World.
Joseph is absolutely right, love does happen when all our walls and guards come down, and we’re seen for who we truly are. I feel this also applies to platonic relationships. You helped shatter all of my defences, including this one where I can fully feel the grief, pain and heartbreak.
You saw the complete mess I was, and you never ran away. You helped make it safe for me to be completely open, honest and vulnerable with you. You always gave me the reassurance when I desperately needed it. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.
To begin with, it felt scary being so vulnerable with you. I was terrified. My fear of being abandoned was very strong, but it’s like a lot of things, the positive experiences helped override the negative. This is something you helped tremendously with. I thank you with all my heart my precious angel {} xxxx
With your unwavering love, care and support, you were my anchor. You were my bright North Star. You were always there for me, and you helped get me through the darkest of days with this illness and everything else. You helped me survive.
Being able to accept someone being there for me was very hard for me in the past. I never felt deserving of it, and I felt completely unlovable. I also thought I could only rely on myself. I always expected people to leave. Liron was the first person to help change that, and then you, along with another precious and dear friend.
Long COVID has now forced me to be completely reliant, but I’m in the safest and most loving of hands with everyone, which of course included you {} xxx
You knew my deepest fears, worries and thoughts. You knew my insecurities and my negative thoughts about myself, and you still stayed firm. My confidence grew because of how you were with me, and how I was with you.
I was my true self with you, and you saw all sides of my personality. Liron is the only other person who has truly seen me, and she never ran away either. The thought that just came to mind is that it’s only me who runs away from myself…
I never thought I could be loved and accepted if anyone saw the real me. The complete mess. I felt ashamed of myself and never thought I was good enough. I was always able to give love, care and support, but I felt unworthy of it because of how I saw myself.
I don’t see myself as you and others see me, and I feel from our last few days, you might be able to relate to this as well. I always thought I had to be perfect I every way for anyone to love me. You and Liron in particular proved me wrong with this. I just need to see it myself.
I’m also realising that the perfection I had in mind about myself isn’t real or attainable. That perfection is an illusion. It’s the imperfections that help make us perfect, interesting and even more loveable. I have always known this and I see it with you and everyone else. I just can’t see it with myself yet.
Likening it to paintings, and I know this is subjective, it’s like having a hyper-realistic painting next to an Anselm Kiefer. It’s the latter that I’m drawn to because I can connect with its depth, complexity, rawness, texture, colour and emotions. It’s alive. I’d appreciate and admire the hyper-realistic painting, but it would leave me feeling cold.
Our childhoods have left deep and painful scars, and it’s affected how we see ourselves. None of it is true. We are loveable and we all deserve to be loved, you more than anyone {} xxx
You’re absolutely perfect as you are my lovely. You’re wonderful and amazing. There’s nothing wrong with you. Our “mess” is part of that perfection. These are the things that make us human. They make us real, give us depth and make us even more beautiful. You’re a magnificent Anselm Kiefer painting.
I only got a glimpse of another side of you during our final days, and I felt even more love and compassion towards you, and that has grown since. I would never have run away. How could I? I love you for who you truly are. I just wanted to be there for you. I wanted to help you {} xxx
Cyndi Lauper’s True Colours expresses how I feel perfectly. I love you with all my heart. I always will, and I’m hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx
PS. U2 performing Ordinary Love on The Tonight Show, popped up on my feed for the first time yesterday. That magic marker will never fade…