Reclaimed…
18th November 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I really hope you’re keeping well my lovely, and you’ve had a wonderful day. I imagine you must be home now. I hope you’ve put something very special in your basket, and it doesn’t take long to do what you need to {} xxx It’s 18:18.
I know I said I’ll be quiet for a while, but I couldn’t switch off. I was badly triggered today. Our last few days, along with this February and March, kept popping up. My fears returned, but they were also getting mixed up with my thoughts about Frankenstein. I’ve realised on a human level, my dad is Frankenstein and I’m the monster. I will explain soon. My brain is still processing it.
I thankfully came out of the trigger in the afternoon and realised it’s not you. It’s how my dad made me feel. You sadly inadvertently triggered those feelings in November and this year. There’s no way you’d know this would happen. I know this, but I forget in my triggered states. I’m so, so sorry, I truly am {} xxx
This is why it’s not safe for me to speak with you directly until I’ve worked through this. I’m still very vulnerable and these triggered states would affect you as well. They’re also likely to trigger you, which would trigger me and the cycle would continue. It would be horrendous for both of us. I can’t inflict that on either of us.
I started writing about my surgery a few days after it. With not being able to switch off, I thought I’d finish it today. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally deleted it when I cleared Keep Notes on Sunday. I was selecting the messages in bulk because there were so many. Lesson learnt. Always double check before the final delete.
I do want to tell you about my experience after the surgery, and the symbolic impact of it. It’s significant and a huge step forward. Here it is, finally finished…
Waking up in the recovery bay was quite a surreal experience. It’s the first time I didn’t know where I was. I thought I’d been transported somewhere else. It felt like a Dr Who moment.
I woke up in a large white space and was greeted by a sea of blue, which formed an arc a few meters away from me. I didn’t have my glasses on, but there must’ve been at least ten people, if not more, facing my direction in their scrubs. I was the only patient there.
When they saw I was waking up, one person came towards me with the biggest and loveliest smile. He told me that it’s gone really well. He was extremely happy. I think I said, “That’s great to hear, thank you so much”, to which he repeated, “it’s gone really well”. He was still beaming. This was very reassuring and a lovely way to wake up.
My gynaecologist then arrived. They spoke, and I remember him asking if she’ll be seeing me in my room, to which she replied no. He then walked back towards the others and then they all dispersed.
My gynaecologist was lovely and told me they’d removed the fibroid, which was big, along with a polyp. I’m not sure if she was expecting it to be as large. I have my telephone appointment with her next Tuesday. Today’s the first day I haven’t bled at all. Fingers crossed.
Not long after I was back in my hospital room, I experienced extreme soreness down there. It’s when I was writing to you. It came on all of a sudden and lasted about forty five minutes. My initial thought was, this is how it must have felt after he’d raped me.
The soreness went as quickly as it came, without any painkillers. I wondered if this was a memory of the trauma. I asked my therapist if pain can be blocked and stuck, in the same way memories can be with trauma. She said yes, the body can hold onto the memory of the physical pain as well.
I’ve been terrified of feeling that physical pain. That’s been there all my life. My examination and the surgery has shown me that the pain would’ve subsided. The pain I experienced during my ultrasound with the probe, would be on the same level as when he raped me. The soreness after surgery was probably how I felt after it. This would’ve been followed by the achiness I experienced for about a week after surgery.
This experience has also shown me that I would’ve been okay eventually. The physical pain would’ve gone. I don’t have to fear it anymore. Up until recently, I always wished that that part of my body didn’t exist. I hated it and feared it at the same time. I ignored and avoided it.
It took me by surprise when I felt distressed by the thought of needing a hysterectomy, or if anything went wrong. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose anything. That part of my body had already been taken from me, and this would feel as if it’s been taken away for good. Thankfully that didn’t happen.
My gynaecologist made sure that everything has been kept intact. They’ve taken the poison out, and there are no scars or signs of the surgery. They took great care of it and helped it heal. This feels very symbolic. It’s the opposite of what my dad did. My gynaecologist and her team helped me reclaim that part of my body. It finally belongs to me, not him.
It’s 19:19. As difficult as it’s been with my health this year, everything really has worked out perfectly, including the nature of the surgery.
The other thing that’s perfectly timed is the news that after 122 years, the Danish Social Democrats will be losing their Copenhagen seat to the Green and left alliance. With Labour following their model on immigration, this couldn’t be timed better.
Hearing Shabana Mahmood’s cruel announcement yesterday was utterly depressing, but it’s looking like Labour will suffer the same fate as the Social Democrats in Copenhagen. Deservedly so. It was great to see The Greens at 17% on YouGov today. Brilliant!! I really would love to hear your thoughts {} xx
It gives me hope that things can work out, even if it doesn’t feel like it when we’re going through it. I hope this might be true with our friendship as well. I hope so, but again, I understand if not {} xxx
I hope everything’s done and you’re now sitting comfortably with something wonderful. I almost forgot, I have something for you to relax with. It’s Den Forste Sne by Terje Rypdal, Miroslav Vitous and Jack DeJohnette. I think it’s sublime, especially the bass. I hope you love it as well my precious angel {} xx
Take it nice and gently, and enjoy the most beautifully chilled evening, with lots of love, care and fun for me too. I love you and I’m hugging you extra tightly {} xxxx
Here’s one more for your beautiful ears, Talking In My Sleep by The Slims. I just heard it and think it sounds cool. I hope you enjoy it xx Rest well my lovely, then sleep soundly with the sweetest of dreams for both of us {} xxx It’s 20:20.