Second Breakthrough…
13 September 2025
Good morning my most beautiful starshine,
How are you? How did you sleep? I really hope you’re feeling okay my lovely, and you slept well and soundly through the rain {} xxx It’s wonderful waking up to sun shining brightly.
I hope you’re enjoying a very slow and lazy morning. It’s 10.10. I’d love to know how your day’s going to be. I hope you’ll be able to take everything at a relaxed pace, with lots of rest breaks with coffee {} xx
I’m struggling but I’m still doing well. The iron has helped. There was a sweet spot about three weeks after the first infusion, which lasted a few weeks, but I’m still a bit better than last year.
I woke up just before 4am to the sound of heavy rain. I needed to clear up the water from the window sill. Poor Croton didn’t know what hit them. They traded places with Lily, who went into hibernation and needed a darker spot.
Croton’s gone from being in the back room where it was warm, cosy and dry, to being battered by the wind, rain and cold last night. I did close the window and apologised. They seem happier this morning.
Fuchsia is also very happy. Here she is standing proudly with her large flowers. I’m amazed and extremely happy she came back to life this year.
Sleep wasn’t too good last night. Thoughts and memories from my childhood kept coming up. My brain doesn’t care about me not having therapy for a few weeks.
I started writing this during the week when I had a second breakthrough. I really do hope this, along with the previous breakthrough letter, helps you understand why I kept going back to the same things when I was triggered, especially last year. I’m only just beginning to fully understand it now.
It’s starting to click into place. I knew my triggers were connected to my past, but I hadn’t fully realised that these are the actual feelings that have been disconnected from the trauma. I’ve always known but it’s been vague. It’s only now that I’m beginning to see it clearly.
The feelings of shame and guilt about my body, and feeling I’d done something wrong, was how I felt after he’d sexually abused me. Feeling dirty is also there, along with confusion and so much insecurity. These are the feelings that keep coming up over and over again with certain triggers, and some also came up with the delivery person who took the photo.
The third time was brutal and it terrified the life out of me. I just wish I could remember the aftermath of it. My therapist said that I would need to remember so that my brain can process it, otherwise it would continue coming into the present every time I’m triggered.
With not having the full memories of the sexual abuse, I can’t remember how I felt. The only thing I can remember is the fear and distress, but my body knew. It knew when I kept wetting myself for that short period, when I was five minutes away from home.
My body knew when it completely shut down that part of my body, so that I didn’t get any sexual feelings. They didn’t exist for me. I only got tiny glimpses in my teens, before it quickly shut down again. That part of my body was wrapped in terror and all the other feelings that came with the sexual abuse. The first incident was when I was nine.
Despite not remembering the aftermath, I imagine my dad would have behaved in the same way as he did after the physical and verbal abuse. It’s likely he gave me the silent treatment, dirty looks, and dismissed what had happened as if it was nothing. He would’ve ignored it and not talked about it. It’s likely I got the blame. His pattern of behaviour wouldn’t have changed.
This is why I kept getting these triggers where I felt intense shame and guilt, and I felt it was my fault. I also felt distressed. It just occurred to me, with his silence and frowning, I also felt that he hated me. He didn’t love me. He’s ashamed of me. I’m such an awful and horrendous person. I’m too much. At the same time, I was desperate for his love and acceptance.
There’s so much insecurity. I’m unlovable and broken also comes to mind. On some level, I also felt I deserved what happened to me along with the punishment. I was the bad person. He didn’t want to know about how I felt and he didn’t care. I couldn’t speak. I was silenced by his silence and disdain.
This is why silence and distance is so triggering when a person’s not normally like that. I know it’s usual for survivors to need consistency, but hyper-vigilance adds to this as well. I do notice tiny changes in someone’s expressions and behaviour. It’s automatic. This is the effect of constantly looking for danger signs with my dad.
This is also where self blame comes in, with my dad always blaming me for his feelings of rage and abuse.
I’ve had no control over my triggers. A situation just needed to be right, with the perfect mix of ingredients to trigger. I can see it clearly now. Once again, I knew they were feelings from the trauma, but I didn’t know this is how I actually felt at the time. It’s always been so vague. I’ve been so disconnected.
I’m finally making these connections. Looking at how I’ve been during my triggered states with you, Liron and others is really helping. I’m looking at the causes of those triggers, and my thoughts and feelings at the time. There are clear patterns.
I always thought I was mad during my triggered states. My dad always used to say I was mental during his rages, but I’m not. I’m just badly hurt and traumatised. My brain hasn’t had the chance to process it. It wasn’t safe to, but it is now. My body and soul needs to know it’s safe for me to go there. Little by little.
I really do hope this helps you understand what was happening my lovely. I also hope it helps clear up any misunderstandings. I hope so {} xxx I feel our wires got severely crossed towards the end. Triggers didn’t help at all. I hope this helps put everything into context and gives some clarity.
It’s now 12.12. I imagine you’re probably busy, and you’ll soon be preparing something very special for lunch. Thoroughly enjoy every heavenly mouthful for me too my lovely {} xxx
I’m going to have a warming cuppa. I’m sorry I missed joining you with your special cuppa coffee. I imagine they gave you lots of energising hugs and kisses {} xx
Take the greatest care of yourself my precious sweetheart, and take it gently and restfully. Enjoy the most beautiful and relaxing day filled with lots of love, sunshine, heavenly food, funky music and tons of magic {} xxx
I love you and I’m hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx