Shedding the Shame…
6th February 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I told you everything apart from one thing. It didn’t seem important, but now it does in light of what happened during our final days. I need to tell you so that you know why I completely understand {} xxx
It’s something I feel very ashamed and guilty about. It’s some of the thoughts I have when I’m in a badly triggered state. I hate myself for having them. Here they are:
- You’re better off without me.
- I’ll just cause you pain.
- I’m too much to deal with.
- I’m messed up.
- You don’t really love me.
- You’ll end up hating me.
- You’ll be happier without me.
- You don’t need me in your life.
- I’ll just make you miserable.
- You’ll get fed up with me.
- I’m useless.
- I’m boring.
- I don’t mean anything to you.
- I have nothing to give. I have nothing to offer.
- You’d be better off without me.
- You deserve much better.
- You deserve to be happy.
- You don’t want to be stuck with me.
- I’ll just ruin your life.
- I’m just a huge mess with problems.
- It needs to come to an end.
I could only think about my own pain and distress during those specific triggers. I sadly thought you were the cause of my feelings. There were many times when I didn’t even know I was triggered, until it got very bad. Liron could see it before I did. My feelings along with the distress, felt very real in those moments, but they all belonged to my childhood. It was the unresolved things that were being inadvertently triggered.
You proved me wrong every single time, and I felt horrified with all the thoughts I had during the triggered state. It’s like I’m two different people. The distressed child during the trigger, and the adult when I come out of it and fully back in the present.
I was very close to ending our friendship during those moments. Liron stopped me because she knew I was triggered. She knew it’s not how I really felt and not what I really wanted. She also knew how much I loved you and how positive our friendship was.
She knew I’d regret it. She’s right, and I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself. I would’ve hurt both of us very badly. The thing is, I could never imagine my life without you.
Liron has also been on the receiving end of these exact triggers, until I felt completely safe and secure with her. I was in a fairly constant triggered state in the past. This is why she knew. She knows me better than I do.
These specific triggers lessened with you considerably over the last couple of years. They also didn’t last long because you helped me come out of them. I felt completely vulnerable, but you helped make me feel safe, and this helped change and shift it. I started feeling more secure with you because you proved my fears were completely wrong.
This is why I know the severity of triggers can be lessened. It started with me telling you how I was feeling and why. I’d tell you I was in a triggered state. This helped start that healing process, along with your unwavering love, care, support and understanding.
Brené Brown describes shame as being an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
This is how I felt during those severe triggers. I was back to being that terrified child who feels unlovable and completely broken. She thinks everyone will hate her and leave her in the end. She thinks people will quickly change their feelings towards her if they knew these things about her. She feels weird and feels she doesn’t fit in or belong. She can only depend on herself.
I always saw my triggers as a huge flaw and a big problem. They were my dark side, and I couldn’t control them. I wasn’t normal. I was mad. I needed to hide it because I thought people would run away if they knew who I really was. I felt deeply ashamed and I felt like a bad person.
I now realise it wasn’t and isn’t my fault. They’re a result of what I went through. I’ve changed a lot over the last fifteen years. The biggest changes have been over the last eight years, and you’ve been instrumental in this, especially with my triggers. It’s only you and Liron who have seen this side of me, and neither of you ran away.
I wish I had a chance to be there for you too my precious starshine {} xxx I wish I’d known what I know now during our friendship. I wouldn’t run away either.
Love, care and support, in all its forms, is incredibly powerful and healing. I’m a testament to it. I love you so much and I’m hugging you very tightly. I hope you can still feel them {} xxxx
10th February 2025
Therapy was painful but extremely insightful. I’ve never talked about what my thoughts are during my triggered states with any of my previous therapists. There’s so much shame attached to them. Writing that list was really the first time I’ve put it into words.
We went through the list, and I realised these words and feelings originated with my dad. My family also made me feel this way, but the words are directed at my dad.
My therapist pointed out that the word that could be added to the end of every sentence was “unwanted”. I’ve never seen it in this light before. It also struck a chord when she pointed out that abandoned and unwanted, although connected, are two separate things. Yes, being unwanted is different to being abandoned.
It seems I’m in the perpetual cycle of abandonment, being unwanted and feeling broken. I really hope this helps you understand why I was the way I was, during my triggered and anxious state. I’m just starting to understand it myself.
The feeling of something being wrong with me, and me being broken, has been there since my mum died. That was the turning point along with everything that happened afterwards. This realisation came last week, thanks to my therapist, when I told her about still resonating with The Elephant Man.
The feeling that it needed to end, was wanting the abuse and the pain to stop at that time. Now I realise it was the pain of not being wanted, no one caring and feeling completely unlovable. I believed that everyone would walk away, it will come to an end because I’m so damaged and unlovable.
The thing that was interesting was when my therapist asked me, what made me think I was any of those things on the list, in relation to my childhood. I was unable to give an example.
There wasn’t anything tangible or concrete to back them up. There was nothing, apart from what I was told and how I was made to feel. I guess this means they’re not true, but it’s been ingrained in me, so there’s lots more untangling to do.
I feel hopeful that there is a way out of this mess. I feel it can be possible to untangle and free ourselves from what was done to us. I love you so much my precious starshine {} xxxx
18th February 2025
I feel as if I’m seeing all of this differently to how I’ve seen it before. My therapist helping me to see that my feelings of abandonment, being broken and unwanted are still strongly there, is a huge turning point. I thought I was improving, and I have, but they’re still there.
I can now see that they’re my core beliefs, and their significance. I didn’t know how these feelings have been such an influence unconsciously, and the way in which they affected how I’ve been with everyone. It makes complete sense now. It’s clicking into place.
I feel these beliefs were sadly triggered within me during our final days. I can’t help but think of how you might’ve been as well. I wish I could go back to try and put it right. I really do hope you’re okay my lovely. I really do {} xxx
The sun’s shining after what seems like a long period of absence. I hope you’ll be able to enjoy it my precious starshine. It’s perfect for a beautiful walk. Wrap up nice and warm if you do {} xx
It’s therapy for me. I feel so ill at the moment, keep crashing and my battery isn’t charging. My brain doesn’t switch off, and nor do my emotions. I know this is unavoidable and necessary at the moment, but I hope I can have a bit of a respite and some peace soon.
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my precious sweetheart. Enjoy the most beautiful, relaxing and restful week, doing the things you love. My heart is with you, along with tons and tons of comforting bear hugs {} xxxx