Sigh of Relief…
24th September 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really do hope you’re okay my lovely. I hope you’ve had a really good day, everything’s done at home, and you’re now resting with something wonderful {} xxx
Someone posted Ringo Starr’s beautiful Photograph. I remember sending it to you when I heard it for the first time. Did you learn to play it? I hope so. It does hit a different chord this time. I really hope everything will be okay {} xx
I’m so sorry I can’t contact you directly just yet. I wish I could rush what I’m going through, but I sadly can’t. I can’t force it. I have to trust my brain to work through the things at its own pace, and it is.
I made another important connection last night. It was during that two year period that my dad tried to strangle me with my tie. I also realised, him pushing me onto the bed would’ve triggered me badly. It’s starting to make sense now.
My grandfather’s reaction when he walked in on us, was different as well. He was more concerned than he normally was when my dad was violent. Did it remind him of what he walked in on before? He was also nicer. I think he thought it was in my best interest to get back to school. It would’ve been safer for me. I wonder if he had a word with my dad. I will never know.
This has been one memory, along with a handful of others, that keep coming back. They’re vivid. I think it might be because they’re related to the rape in one way or another. It’s because it’s still unprocessed and raw. I just wish I could remember everything.
It was raw when it was being inadvertently triggered by you in the last few months. It sadly made everything so confusing. I am untangling you from it {} I can’t tell you how deeply sorry and sad I am that you got caught up in it. Again, I didn’t know the full extent of the triggers. I knew I was messed up, but not to this extent. I do feel more confident that I will be able to work through this. These realisations are giving me hope.
I have some good news. I saw my respiratory consultant this evening and my lungs are okay. I saw the scarring at the base of them for the first time. It’s very slight. The rest of my lungs are healthy. It’s such a relief.
Unless anything comes up, I won’t need another check up for a couple of years. Monitoring is usually done over a ten to twenty year period. That’s when changes can happen in about one in three people. I hope I’ll be one of the two where it doesn’t progress.
My respiratory consultant is really lovely. He’s going see if he can find a cardiologist who also deals with dysautonomia. That would be extremely helpful. I’ll be able to finally do that next year.
It’s 21.07. If you’re in your fabulous studio, I hope you’re having tons of fun playing your gorgeous heart out {} xx
I have one more song for you to go to sleep to. It’s a great new song from The Bluebells, No Pasaran! So apt with what’s going on at the moment. Roddy Frame comes to mind when I hear it. Dream Sweet Dreams has just started playing in my head. That’s two more songs for you {} xx It’s 21.12.
Hold tight and sleep well my precious sweetheart, and dream sweet dreams for both of us {} xxx
I hope you can still feel my love and my hugs. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss. I love you {} xxxx