Silence and Criticism…
17th December 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I really do hope you’re keeping well and everything is going smoothly. I hope you’re having a really good week, but I imagine it’s full on and non-stop. I’m so, so sorry. Rest, rest and rest whenever you can. I hope there’ll be some festive celebrations at the end of the week. Just two more days {} xxx
It’s absolutely brilliant Erasmus will be restarting in 2027, and wonderful to see some light amidst all the depressing news. I imagine everyone affected are jumping for joy {} xx I am as well, and it’s a step in the right direction.
It’s 15:15. You’ll be seeing coffee any minute now. Thoroughly enjoy your relaxing and energising moment for me too {} xx
Have you watched episodes three and four of The War Between the Land and the Sea? Once again, they’re brilliant. I don’t want to spoil anything just in case. I can’t help but think of you when I watched them, especially certain moments. All kinds of everything still reminds me of you {} xxx
The end is too soon. Perhaps it would’ve been better to have just one episode a week. I’m going to miss it.
I crashed extremely badly on Sunday, and again when Liron returned on Monday night. It’s only when she returns that I realise I go into survival mode when she’s not here. I can now fully relax and I feel safe again, but this is when everything hits me, and it’s hitting me very hard this time.
It feels like I’ve been keeping it together since my bleeding issues came to the fore in June, when I went to emergency, got the iron infusions, and everything else that followed. It’s safe for me to fall apart again, as I did yesterday. Thankfully, I’m not too bad today.
I’m getting so many realisations regarding my past. I’m seeing the colossal impact it’s had on my behaviours, thoughts and feelings. I felt I couldn’t cope yesterday, and I didn’t know what to do with everything that’s coming up. It does feel overwhelming because I’m realising everything I thought was true, isn’t. I don’t know how to change it because it’s automatic.
The thing that made it apparent was a recent interaction. I couldn’t respond to the person straight away, because of my crash and my brain not working. I apologised and explained why.
They normally respond, but didn’t this time. This caused me to go into my automatic panic mode. I was riddled with worry and shame. I thought I’d said something wrong, and they were cross and upset with me for the delay. They don’t believe me. I’m a really bad person. All of this just because of their silence. I’m just beginning to realise that my brain is wired to automatically think this.
This is exactly how I was with you. It’s shocked me to see how automatic and natural these train of thoughts are, and how distressed and wretched I feel. It takes up so much energy. Energy I no longer have. This is how I’ve been with people. It’s been normal for me, but I didn’t know the harm it does to me, until now.
Silence has always been a huge trigger for me. As I’ve said before, silence and stonewalling were used as punishment at home. By doing this, they dismissed my feelings as if they didn’t matter. They made me feel as if I didn’t exist. I wasn’t seen. There were no apologies either. The only time my dad apologised was after a period of silence following the violence, but it wasn’t a genuine apology.
It’s only now that I see that the silence and stonewalling is a form of manipulation and control. It really is a cruel way to treat someone. It was a cruel way to dismiss all the harm done to me as if it was nothing. It’s as if I was nothing. That’s the consequences of their actions.
Again, they took no responsibility for their words or actions, but they fucked me up and controlled my life in ways I never fully realised. They’re still doing it. They’ve held me back from living freely and happily. I’ve never had peace of mind. I have been carrying all their shit, which they happily dumped on me. Bastards. No wonder I’m so fucked up.
Research from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, showed that constant criticism rewires a child’s brain, as well as unsafe environments. The architectural change leads to long-term issues with emotional regulation and anxiety. Fight and flight responses are constantly switched on, even in safe situations.
The rewiring of the brain surprised me, but it also helps me understand why I am the way I am. I always thought I was strange, weird and not normal. I hated myself, and beat myself over it so many times. It really isn’t my fault. My brain’s structure has changed, and it’s a result of everything my dad and family did to me. This is on them, not me.
No wonder it’s difficult for me to regulate my emotions, and why I’m hypervigilant all the time. It’s a natural and automatic response to all the trauma. I was incredibly lucky to have my mum for my first nine years. I most certainly wouldn’t be who I am without her. It’s been hard enough being me, but I would’ve died inside if it wasn’t for my mum. It’s likely I wouldn’t be here. I wish I could thank her.
It is extremely difficult at the moment. Then there’s the pain of missing you on top {} xxx
It’s 17:30, I really hope you’re on your way home now, or will be very soon. I imagine there’s no late night this week. They’re cruel bastards if there is one.
Here’s something for you to listen to when you get home. I hope you enjoy them my lovely {} xx I imagine you’ve already seen the new animated video for George Harrison’s Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth), but I’d like to send it anyway. It’s so beautiful. The second is, On a Clear Day You Can See Forever by The Peddlers.
It’s 18:18. I hope you’re now very happily home. Get everything done, then get nice and comfy and enjoy the most beautiful, relaxing and restful. Take the gentlest care of yourself my precious sweetheart, and give yourself lots of love and care for me {} xxx
Thoroughly enjoy your gorgeous meal What are you going to have? I bet it’s yummy. My appetite is returning after Liron’s absence.
I love you so much and I’m hugging you with all my heart. Rest well my lovely, then sleep soundly and peacefully with sweet dreams for me {} xxxx