Slowly Healing…
27th March 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I wish I could write this to you directly, but I know the possibility of it triggering is still extremely high and very likely. I just hope you will continue reading these letters, but I understand if you don’t.
I want you to know that my heart is starting to heal. I didn’t think it was going to. It feels much lighter and no longer aching and breaking. My heart and I still have a way to go, but I didn’t think I could get to this point a month ago. I never thought the heartbreak, the never-ending tears and the severe pain would go.
I imagine there’ll still be moments where it hits me, but it really does feel like the tide is turning. The sun is starting to come back in, but it misses my brightest sunshine and starshine…
I really hope that the work I need to do on myself, will help resolve or alleviate my abandonment issues, along with all my other insecurities, so that I’m no longer triggered in the same way. I hope I can move away from the anxious attachment style to the more fully secure one. I really do hope so. I’m so glad the secure side is there. I feel that this will be the moment I can write to you safely {} xxx
It felt quite surreal when you contacted me. Since November, I wanted nothing more than to hear from you so that we could put everything right. I hadn’t anticipated the grief and the re-triggering to derail this. I was in the depths of it so it was like you were a different person. It sounds bizarre but this is how it felt.
I’ve always spoken with you so openly and freely, but it’s the first time I felt scared to. I couldn’t even ask you if I was right in assuming your contact was a mistake. My fear was of being abandoned all over again. The fact that I assumed the worst speaks volumes. I know the trigger played a huge role in this, as well as all the pain.
I’m just not in the right place at the moment, but I now feel I’m very slowly getting there. I really do need to put myself back together again first, and I need to stop abandoning myself. I realise how critical this is.
The possibility of a positive change gives me hope, and so does knowing that my heart is healing and that my love for you hasn’t diminished. Once again, I love you even more now. It’s still intact. I felt certain it would be in November, but as with everything in life, there wasn’t a guarantee. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, so I could only go with my gut feeling, and what I wanted and needed.
I’ve also been scared about this ongoing crash. I thought it might be permanent along with the set back. Showers and hair washes have become incredibly difficult to do, along with the frequency, but I finally had a shower without it completely knocking me out yesterday. It was such a huge relief. My body and emotions have had a hammering, but they seem to be more resilient.
The last four months weren’t sustainable, but I feel I can finally start to rest a bit better now. My brain is still working hard though, and there’s a lot of difficult and painful things to work through. Little by little.
I’m not going to stop missing you. I know this. It’s still painful. Please know that my heart, along with all my love and care, is with you {} xxx
Please take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my beautiful sweetheart, and thoroughly enjoy doing all the things you love for me as well. Always give your precious heart the nourishment it needs.
I’m with you, and I love you with all my heart and soul. I’m also hugging you extra tightly. I really do hope you can feel it. It’ll stay with you {} xxxx