Someone Else I Trusted…
23rd January 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
I don’t know why I completely forget. Perhaps it’s because I want to. I completely trusted and relied on the perpetrator as well. Despite the trust, I didn’t feel fully safe with him. I can make this comparison thanks to you and Liron. He gained the trust of everyone, so I wasn’t alone with this. He knew who the vulnerable ones were.
I remember all my insecurities came up with him as well. There was a very brief moment when he behaved like my dad. I told him, and he never repeated it again. This is who he was. I felt bad for seeing it and thinking the worst of him. I could never trust myself. This has started to change over the last decade.
When I read the girls’ witness statements, they described aspects of his personality which was unrecognisable. He stopped drinking not long after we met due to health issues. He used to say how he’d easily drink a bottle of martini a night. Instead, he’d ply me with alcohol, saying it would help me relax.
There was only one occasion he decided to have a drink, and he got completely drunk. He became a different person, and he really scared me. He was saying strange things. He said that I’ve ruined my life, and that I could’ve done anything. It didn’t make sense at the time, but it does now.
He knew he was holding me back from living my life fully and freely. I was only twenty three at that time. He knowingly took my best years from me by caging me, and instilling fear about people. He said I was safe in that house, and how other people would only use and abuse me. Every accusation is a confession, comes to mind.
I did get a glimpse of what he was like the evening he got drunk. I wish I trusted my gut feeling. I would’ve left. Feeling like a bad person really is dangerous, because it can stop me from keeping myself safe. He was back to his normal self the following day, and he never got drunk again. Nothing was said. It’s like it never happened. This is a huge red flag.
If it wasn’t for the brave young women and the detectives, I would’ve been there until he died. I’d be around the age I am now. He’d now be ninety two. I had this thought seventeen years ago, and realised I would’ve continued being his carer. I wouldn’t have done anything with my life. The judge viewed me as his housekeeper.
It feels ironic that I seem to be in the same place now as I would’ve been. I haven’t been able to do anything with my life, because this illness has put a stop to it. But at the same time, I lived fully during healthy eleven years that followed it. I might not have done anything with my life, but I’m now in a much safer, happier and loving place, and I’m not completely alone. For this, I feel incredibly lucky, thankful and grateful.
The perpetrator did completely manipulate, control and deceive me. So many lies. He was the complete opposite to who he portrayed himself to be. I didn’t see any of it until right at the very end.
I put his erratic, petulant and controlling behaviour in the final year, down to the stress of the impending trial. The truth was that he knew he was guilty. He knew everything was unravelling and he’d lost control. He could no longer keep up the mask he’d been wearing.
Again, I only realised his guilt the evening before the jury came out with their verdict. He slipped up in front of me and the solicitor, and it was clear he had met one of the girls. That was a chilling moment.
I don’t use the word evil lightly, but he is evil. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew the lasting effects of sexual abuse, but it didn’t stop him from doing it and harming so many. He just used his knowledge to gain their trust. To gain my trust.
I remember needing to go back to the house to collect my belongings. It was after the trial. He was awaiting sentencing. A police officer came over to check up on him. I remember how everything suddenly felt so filthy. The tone of his voice, what he was saying, the house, everything. I was surrounded by filth. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. I barely said a word to him. He disgusted me.
He was a lying evil bastard, but he could no longer control and manipulate me towards the end. I have my breaking point as well. He hated me for this and he painted me in a bad light. I was the bad person. I wronged him. He did everything for me. He was always the victim.
There’s a pattern here. He was the same as my dad. Both saw themselves as victims, both couldn’t take any responsibility for their actions. It was always someone else’s fault. Unlike my dad, he was in complete denial about his behaviour. Of course he would be, admission meant straight to jail. Thankfully the detectives were relentless in getting enough evidence to get the case to court.
He claimed he was a spiritual person who had no interest in sex. He just wanted to help people. This was the narrative right from the very beginning. He’d say how safe everyone is in his house. How anyone could walk stark naked and it wouldn’t do anything to him. Me being completely naive, and thinking I was asexual at the time, believed him. I never thought about sex or had any feelings, so I knew that’s absolutely possible.
God, I was completely fooled by the bull shit that came out of his mouth, but so was everyone else.
For him, it was always the others who were lying. They were to blame. Absolutely no accountability whatsoever. This makes me angry, but this is typical behaviour of a narcissist. I can see that now.
I’m surprised I’ve written all of this. I only wanted to tell you that my deepest insecurities and abandonment issues resurfaced with him as well.
I don’t think I’ve fully processed what happened with him either. I tried to run away from it. It makes me recoil, but I mustn’t. If I don’t face it and continue burying it, then it’ll always be stuck there. I don’t want any more shit to stick around anymore. I’ve had enough. I really have. No more shit.
I can really feel the ball of anger in my tummy. It’s 00:51. It’s time to sleep.
You must be snuggled up and fast asleep. Sleep well, sleep restfully and peacefully my lovely, with sweet dreams for both of us. I love you and I hug you {} xxxx