Someone Else’s Core…
25th March 2025
I’m really struggling at the moment, physically and emotionally. Despite all the progress I’ve made, I feel like I’m back to square one. My therapist reassured me that I’m not, but I feel everything has been stripped away and I’ve never felt so vulnerable. I can’t explain how it feels. It’s different to the vulnerability I feel with this illness and completely losing my independence.
My old negative thoughts have returned, along with the dark thoughts. I’m trying to counterbalance them. I now know it’s because they’re my core beliefs that need looking at.
A couple of things have surprised me. My therapist asked if I felt I deserved to be cared for, and it was an emphatic no. Even I didn’t expect this. I also realise I feel my life doesn’t mean much. I feel it doesn’t have any value. Again, these beliefs are ingrained because of my experiences with my dad and family.
The news isn’t helping at the moment. Just when you think they couldn’t be crueller. With the attack on the disabled and chronically ill, it’s compounding these feelings even further. What is my life worth?
As you know, I’m in favour of assisted dying, because I feel it’s a humane thing to do when someone is suffering greatly. They’ve taken a safe guard away from the bill, which is worrying.
I don’t know if you know about Canada’s MAID program. They’re offering assisted dying to people who have Long COVID. I’d be offered it. I would’ve taken it before oxygen came along because I was deteriorating quickly and badly.
Having a choice is one thing, but being encouraged is something else. It’s concerning if they take this route here, but with how things are changing, it wouldn’t surprise me. It feels like we’re no longer seen as human beings.
The triggers are bringing everything to the surface. In the past, I looked at how the abuse affected me at that time. It’s different this time, because I feel I’m looking at how it’s affecting me fundamentally. It has a huge unconscious control over me which I wasn’t even aware of.
I do need to work on a lot of things, and I feel it’s going to take time. I do feel this would have happened at some point, because my negative core beliefs are as strong as they originally were. I never knew because of all the positive changes. They helped mask everything, but the core beliefs resurfaced during triggered states, and then went away again once I was out of it.
Despite everything, there is a huge difference. As I’ve said before, it’s the first time I’m feeling and facing this immense grief and pain of losing you in the present. It feels very different to how I’ve felt in the past.
I’ve felt the immense pain in the past, but I was distressed and couldn’t fully pinpoint it. I can see the dissociation as well. I cried a lot and couldn’t cope, but I always found ways to escape and tried not to think about it. My brain never had a chance to process anything because it was busy in survival mode.
I can now see the huge difference between the two. How I am now is healthier for me than how I was in the past. I feel more like an adult rather than the child. I’m feeling everything and trying to make sense of it, which means I’m processing everything in the present. I’m fully present, and it feels good to be so.
I was in full survival mode in the past. I needed to survive. It was never graceful but I managed. I don’t feel it was strength that kept me going. I feel strength is the wrong word to attribute to me. I didn’t have a choice. It was my survival instinct that automatically kicked in. I learnt that and got my resilience from my mum.
I always hoped my life in the future would be better, and that was another thing that kept me going along with my creativity. Everything has been turned on its head now. I do feel I’m being severely tested at the moment. I really do hope there is a way out of this. My therapist reassured me that there is.
I do need to return to the black hole and face the things that are still causing me immense pain. It’s the negative core thoughts and feelings I have about myself. They are and do feel very real to me. I think I need to give them back to who they belong to. I know it’s easier said than done, but hopefully little by little. I really do hope so.
This is what my heart and soul is desperately yearning for; to be released from this control and be returned to me. The need is even stronger now.
This is such a beautiful version of Nothing You Feel is True by Fyfe Dangerfield. I heard it for the first time yesterday. It popped up at the right time. I find it very comforting and soothing. I hope you enjoy it as well my lovely. I love you {} xxxx
I’ve just read, they’re delaying the assisting dying bill and they are adding more safe guards.
I hope you got to see some of the cricket and you loved it {} xxx