Survival Instincts…
21st January 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
My survival instinct kicks in when something threatens my physical survival. I don’t stop until I find the solution, and I’m running on full adrenaline. Not having a usable face cleanser is a very good example of this.
I search and try all the options available, and I do it as quickly as possible. I don’t have peace. If I make an enquiry, I keep checking my messages to see if they’ve responded. If they respond and can’t help, then I can move onto the next thing. It’s relentless until I find a solution and feel safe again. It takes so much energy. Energy I no longer have, but I still do it, making it very harmful for me.
Despite being in triggered states for both, it feels very different to my fear of abandonment. The threat to my survival is me not being able to look after myself, and my fighting spirit comes to the fore. It’s practical things that doesn’t involve anyone else. My ingrained instinct is that I can only rely on myself.
With the fear of abandonment, all of my insecurities resurface, along with people thinking the worst of me. It makes me feel helpless, which I hate. People thinking the worst of me is pretty much of a constant with most things. It seems to be automatic.
Relying on someone else for my physical survival has always terrified me, and yet this illness has forced it upon me. I’m now solely reliant on Liron for my survival. I feel incredibly lucky, thankful and grateful to have her. She makes me feel safe to entrust her with my life, which is a huge thing.
I literally wouldn’t be alive without Liron, but I don’t expect, or want her, to take care of me if it’s harming her wellbeing. It’s not her responsibility. I never want to be a burden on her or anyone else.
Liron is the only person I can entrust my life on, as long as she is happy to. I know I have friends who I can ask for help, but temporary help is completely different to permanent help. I can’t do this to anyone, and I don’t want to. I couldn’t live with myself. If ever I find myself in that situation, and I’m still not well enough to look after myself, then it’s time.
This illness really does throw everything at you, including our basic survival needs, which can feel like a matter of life or death.
With my fear of abandonment, I feel the distress and deep pain of being broken, unlovable and unwanted. However, despite it being just as crippling, my physical survival doesn’t depend on it.
I’ve only experienced these extreme abandonment feelings with you and Liron, but it started with my dad. Everything began with my dad. The thing I was desperate for was safety, both physically and emotionally. I longed for the emotional and physical safety I had with my mum. I hoped my dad would be able to provide this after she died, and I never stopped hoping.
It’s not always possible, but I am giving myself comfort during my triggered states. I’m not being so harsh on myself, and I try to give myself reassurance. I couldn’t do this before. I do deep breathing when I remember, put my hand on my tummy, and snuggle up with my cuddle toy. It’s either Sparkles or Lightning. You singing during the night really helps as well {} xx
I remembered during one of my triggered states you said, “Shhhhhh”. It came to mind a few weeks ago, and I find myself saying this to help sooth myself as well. Thank you so much my beautiful angel {} xxx
I am learning and trying, and I’m sitting with the uncomfortable and sometimes excruciating feelings. It’s the pain and the grief I’ve always wanted to flee from. Those feelings do pass, but they can feel overwhelming and distressing at times. However, it does feel like a relief when I release them. It must be taking a hell of a lot of energy to suppress everything.
This will take time, but I am slowly getting there, little by little… Dusty Springfield is singing in my head.
Despite my fears, which are severely heightened during my triggered states, the safety with you is still there. I wouldn’t be writing to you if it wasn’t. I wouldn’t be speaking with you in my thoughts either. Despite your absence, your presence is just as strong and constant.
The many reminders of you continue. I sometimes imagine what you might be doing, especially when sun’s out, or there’s something you’d be looking forward to. Everything is intact. I just miss you with all my heart, I really do {} xxxx