The Monster…
28th April 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I really do hope you’re okay and you’re having a wonderful day. I hope it’s not too busy or stressful, and you’re easing in gently. I imagine coffee has looked after you. You’ll be heading to see them now. Thoroughly enjoy every delicious sip for me too. Please tell them that I miss them {} xxx
It’s been a very difficult day and night. I only managed to sleep for an hour. I referred to my dad as a monster a number of times last week, so my therapist asked me to draw him. I’d been putting it off. I was so scared. I finally drew him during the night. It doesn’t look like him but it captures him in his rages.
This is what I’ve been terrified of and doing my best to run away from. This is what I was trapped with for ten years. I was a fairly normal child before my mum died, but when she did, I was her replacement.
I really got in touch with my anger, not just towards him, but my family as well. I felt the anger as I drew the monster. There’s also a lot of pain there. I feel I’ve really let my inner child down by how I’ve treated her. I treated her as they did.
I revisited the Help room video a couple of weeks ago, and it’s the first time that I really felt the fear. It was on full screen on my laptop. I’m revisiting the letter I embroidered to my mum as well.
It does feel different this time. Previously, I was recalling memories, feeling the shock, distress and anger. It was more about what was done to me and how it made me feel. Now it’s about how it’s really affected and shaped me. This is going to take time.
I really wanted to punch the drawing today. I was so angry. I wish I had the energy to. I’m choosing my words carefully right now, but I did swear a lot during the session. I guess I finally got that monster out of my head and into the open. There’s a lot more I want to tell you, but it needs to wait. I’m completely shattered.
I sadly can’t remember the question my therapist asked me, but I think it was about me being safe. My response was my mum, Liron and you. She told me that none of you can rescue me, only I can. She’s absolutely right, and this is what I need to do now, rescue myself from that monster and everything else.
I hope the rest of your afternoon zooms by, then you can enjoy the most beautiful, sunny, relaxing and restful evening. Please take the greatest care of yourself, and give yourself lots of love and care for me too. Here Comes The Sun comes to mind just for you my precious sweetheart. It’s come out for us {} xxx
I’m thinking of you and sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing and protective bear hugs, bursting with kisses {} xxxx