The Same Narrative…
27th August 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I hope you’re keeping really well and you’re having a wonderful start to this short week. I imagine you’re extremely busy, but I hope you’re enjoying saying hello to everyone and everything is going extremely well. I hope you’re feeling very happy {} xxx
I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment. I’m like a yo-yo with my thoughts and emotions. I am in a very bad trigger. They feel never-ending at the moment. I thought I was doing okay, but all my insecurities are coming up again, including those with you. But of course it’s not about you, it’s about my past, but you still get caught up in it. I’m truly and deeply sorry for this {}
My protective voice takes over to stop me feeling the pain. It’s been very loud since Monday. Liron sees the patterns straight away and gently reminds me. I use the same narrative. It takes me a bit longer to fully realise I’m triggered because it feels so real, but I eventually get there and the realisation of it pulls me out of it.
I’m learning that self-soothing during these moments is critical. Liron’s been great at giving me these reminders. My instinct is to push myself so that I can’t think or feel, otherwise the panic and distress takes over. I’m beginning to sit with the distressing feelings. They do pass. This helps to reinforce that I’m no longer in danger. I am safe.
You always helped pull me out of the triggers. Thank you so much my lovely {} xx Again, I got it so wrong with you during those moments. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me. It is the fear of abandonment.
To protect myself at home, I’d tell myself it didn’t matter that they hated me. I was so disconnected with how I was really feeling because I was in survival mode. The pain bypassed my consciousness and it got buried along with everything.
That same voice has been telling me that you wouldn’t want to know any more, and that you would’ve moved on. I imagine you probably have, and I completely understand if you no longer want me in your life again. It’s trying to stop me from getting hurt.
The thing is if I keep listening to that voice and think it’s right, then it would stop me from contacting you when I’m in a better place. I don’t want to do that. It’s kept me a prisoner for most of my life. It served it’s purpose when I was in danger, but it’s not needed any more. It’ll be there if ever I am in real danger, and for that I’m thankful.
My body has imprisoned me with this illness, but I don’t want to create another prison in my mind. I don’t want the fear of getting hurt to stop me from taking a risk, especially when it’s something that means the world to me {} xxx
Again, I know there’s a good chance of you saying no. If that’s the case then we’ll be able to say goodbye properly, without triggers getting in the way. I’m not sure I can say goodbye though, perhaps hello. The Beatles Hello, Goodbye comes to mind. I still hope it will be okay though {} xxx
I remember you saying how there’s always hope when we were talking about my illness. You refused to believe I couldn’t get better. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxx
I know you’ll be very happy to hear this {} xx Since the iron infusions, my heart rate variable (HRV) is unexpectedly good. It’s usually very low during crashes, but it’s not doing this. If it is, then it jumps back up fairly quickly. I’ve never seen it do this before. It’s not corresponding to my symptoms.
The HRV is an indicator of how well the body can recover. I hope this is a permanent change. I still feel it’s highly unlikely I’ll be back to full health, but hopefully I can have a better quality of life. A very short walk would be amazing.
Your contact has also given me hope that there might be a possibility of us continuing our precious friendship. Thank you so much for giving me that, even if it’s temporary or no longer true {} xxx
It’s 22.02. I hope you’re enjoying a very restful evening my lovely {} xx
I started writing this last night. I have crashed but I’m okay. I was only at the hospital for fifteen minutes. X-ray was super quick. I always worry when I get asked when I’m seeing the doctor afterwards. Fingers crossed there are no changes. I’ll know next month.
I hoped it might be you when I got a WhatsApp message today. I do miss you. It also hit me on my way to the hospital yesterday. A reminder of my appointment buzzed me at 13.20 and I thought of you. Ordinarily I’d be speaking with you on my way there. I felt the pain in my heart and did my best to hold back my tears. We got there at 13.33 and I imagined you were enjoying your delicious lunch {} xx
It’s wonderful the rain is brief and sun’s coming out for us. It was excited to come home with you today. I did think if you {} xx
It’s 22.22. Someone has just started shooting. It’s quite loud. It’s a shame I never see the sparkles. I just hear the bang.
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my wonderful one. Sleep well, sleep restfully and peacefully, with sweet dreams for both of us {} xxx
I love you, I love you, I love you. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss {} xxxx