Therapy…
24th July 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 11:44. I hope you okay my lovely, and you had a wonderful and restful night’s sleep. I hope you’re enjoying a very gentle morning with coffee and sunshine {} xxx
What are your plans for today? I wish I could ask you. I hope you’ll be doing something very special xx
I just saw some great news which I know you’ll be extremely happy with as well. The plans for the octopus farm in Spain have been withdrawn. Yay!!!
I’m feeling out of sorts today. My therapist threw me yesterday. It’s a couple of things. Firstly, she told me that she’s not going to be there for three weeks. This was at the very end of our session. I couldn’t hide my upset, and she said that she might not always be there. That was it. That was the end.
I don’t know if she was testing me with my abandonment issues, but that is very wrong as well. I will need to ask her next time. I feel testing anyone in any type of relationship is wrong.
If the three-week absence was unplanned for, then she should have told me at the beginning of our session, not wait until the very end. I would have understood.
She’d be aware of how this affects patients, especially with abandonment issues, and know that this could potentially be harmful for them. I was triggered badly afterwards. It was speaking with Liron that brought me out of it.
Then there are all the cancellations on the day of our appointments. I know things come up and can’t be helped, but there have been so many of them. I’ve had many therapists, and I’ve never experienced this with others before. Consistency is so important in therapy. I’m always unsure whether I’ll be seeing her each week. This is not how therapy should be.
Normally therapists are supposed to tell you in advance if they’re not going to be available, especially for a long time. Liron told me BACP, British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, strike therapists off their register if there are a lot of complaints about appointments being cancelled, or if patients are not given warning about absences. It’s duty of care.
The second thing is the assumptions my therapist makes. Liron said that this is a warning sign for her. My therapist has got things wrong in the past. She’s human and it’s absolutely fine. However, in a therapeutic setting, it’s better to offer a suggestion, rather than saying it as a fact. They are in a position of power, and their words carry a lot of weight.
Yesterday was about the creative work I’ve done and the photos I take. To put this into context, I need to tell you about what I’ve been trying to process over the last couple of weeks.
My therapist really helped two weeks ago by pointing out that the intense emotions of grief, abandonment, loss and feeling unlovable, have been attached to the trauma. It gave me a new and welcome perspective. I’ve not seen it in this way before, it’s always been the other way round.
Loss and all the other feelings are a part of life, so these feelings are normal and natural emotions, but because the emotions have become enmeshed in the trauma, the intensity of the feelings is the same as when I was young. But I feel that the bond we form with someone also determines how intense those feelings are, as I have found with you and Liron. So, it’s not clear cut and not entirely true.
She also said that the effects of the trauma can be seen all around me, as well as in my relationships. I can’t disagree with that.
The other thing is there are two extreme versions of me, the child and the adult. I am the child in my triggered states, and a full adult outside of them. This is because I haven’t gone through the natural stages of development. It stopped after my mum died, at the age of nine.
I did have to grow up quickly, so I didn’t go through the vital adolescent stages. I wasn’t allowed to because of what I had to deal with at home. I needed to try and keep myself safe, which was to be a good girl and keep quiet. But this means that I didn’t get the chance to form my own identity. I developed behaviours out of fear.
Thankfully school was a very positive experience for me, until I went to the sixth form at the grammar school. That was horrendous.
There’s a huge gap from the age of nine to adult. With me continuing to abandon that child, by wanting to forget her and what happened, I’m preventing myself from integrating that child so that she’s a part of me. I’ve been keeping her as a separate entity.
The other thing my therapist said two weeks ago, was that unconsciously there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of what happened. It’s unconscious so I’m not aware of it. I took this on board as well, despite knowing that I’ve always done things to try and free myself from the past.
I talked about this with Liron, and she said there’s safety in holding onto the fears and behaviours, even though they’re harming me. They’re what I’ve learnt through my experiences. They helped me survive, and it’s all I know. But as I’m now finding, they’re like a noose around my neck, and it affects how I am with myself and others.
I need my therapist to help me integrate that child, and start detaching the emotions from the trauma. I can’t do this on my own because my natural instinct is to still run from that child and her pain. I’ve embraced all the positive things during my time with my mum. They’re a part of me.
I know I need to get to the point of acceptance, as I’ve done with this illness, but I don’t know how to because a lot of it is unconscious.
This brings me to yesterday. You once said, despite the nature of my work, I wasn’t maudlin. This has stayed with me, and it’s coming to mind right now. Thank you so, so much my beautiful angel {} xxx I’ve been looking through my journals and you’re absolutely right. This is how I am.
I am open to information and criticism, even when it’s harsh. It forces me to think, learn and consider. I might agree or not agree at the end of it, but I can look at it from all perspectives. I can think about it critically.
I feel my therapist made an unwarranted assumption yesterday, without having the full picture. At the same time, it’s my responsibility to give her the complete picture.
She told me that I’m holding onto my trauma with the creative work I do, inferring that it’s become a part of my identity. The thing is, the work I’ve done at college and over the last eighteen months, has helped me work through the things coming up in therapy. It helps immensely.
Most of the work I’ve done this time is outside of therapy. Liron’s been absolutely brilliant as well. She really is a beautiful angel.
My therapist said that she sees the melancholy in my previous photos, which were of ghost succulent, croton in colour (before they died), and Four Seasons in One Day (rain on the window). I didn’t see them in this way. I took these shots unexpectedly and was very excited to get them. I thought nothing of it. If they unconsciously express how I feel right now, then so be it. It shouldn’t be an issue.
I also sent her one of the Bed With a View photos and A Portal to You. Those were supposed to express how I feel. The first, the isolation with this illness, with being cut off from everyone and the outside world. The second is my only link to you.
But these aren’t the only photos I’ve taken, which can be clearly seen in my letters to you. Many aren’t related to my trauma. The foxes and birds come to mind. There’s also a huge difference to what I was trying to express ten years ago. That can be clearly seen. I’m not stuck in the same place.
Yes, I’m revisiting things, but I’m seeing it differently to ten years ago. It’s not the same. I’m discovering new things, like the hereditary trauma. I’m seeing my dad differently by recognising and understanding his own trauma. I’m also looking at myself without filters, which is completely new. This is where I’m at right now.
I told her about the idea I had during Simon’s brilliant Lab in Coventry, which involved the public. The concept helped express what was happening at that time; and have something that helped people connect with each other, and express their feelings collectively. My therapist said that was trauma driven as well, because it was related to the isolation and changes that we were all experiencing with the pandemic. Isn’t this what art is about?!
I felt she saw what I was doing as a negative thing, but it’s the thing that’s been helping me the most.
Some of my ideas have involved other people as well. It’s about them, not me. The letters of love and regret concept was originally about others, not me. As you know, I was going to ask them to write their letters and I’d use them to create pieces. Then there’s comparing machine learning with the human brain, seeing the patterns. I also had a couple of ideas about AI ten years ago.
Last year’s idea about wishes on shooting stars, has nothing to do with trauma. Wanting to express the love and euphoria I experienced with the morphine, is also not connected to trauma.
It’s about emotions, ideas and concepts, and trying to express them. This is what I do, and I’m happy with it. I don’t want to lose that, whether I ever create anything or not. I would still love to create the trigger box. I think it works extremely well as a concept. I also haven’t come across anything like that.
There are some people who decide to become therapists after being in therapy, so that they can help others. Does this mean that they want to hold onto their trauma? In some ways, I felt this is what she was saying to me in relation to my work.
It’s very unfair for her to make that judgement, and express it as a fact without having the complete picture.
I know she’s trying to make me see that there are other things to me. I know there are. I have many loves and interests. I’m also very curious, I get excited by new discoveries, no matter what they are and where they come from. My humour’s returning as well. All of this is with the tiny amount of energy I have.
I’m also realising how resourceful I am, especially with this illness, the face cleanser and my oils, and working through everything that’s been coming up over the last eighteen months. I’m trying to make sense of it, which has been mainly on my own. I think I am doing really well, despite everything.
I feel I have made huge progress since last year. I see it with my plants, with how I’m coping and with how I’m feeling, but I desperately need help to get through the final hurdle. I feel my therapist doesn’t see the progress I’ve made. It’s Liron who’s teaching me how to self-regulate, which is what she’s learnt in therapy.
I do need practical help from my therapist. She tells me the problems I have, but doesn’t tell me what we can do to work on it. I will need to speak with her in three weeks. If she’s not able to help, then I will need another therapist.
Liron suggested going to another therapist yesterday, but I said, “I can’t because I don’t want to go through the whole thing again. I don’t have the energy.” It does take time to build safety and trust, but this is the wrong way of looking at it. I’m choosing comfort rather than what’s best for me.
I hope we can come to a mutual understanding, and we can work together, if not then I will need find someone else. I wish I could work on this on my own, but I can’t. I need help.
It’s 18:18. This really has been a long one today. It’s taken me all day, but I did go through my journals as well, so that I can see everything objectively.
I hope you’re feeling very happy and relaxed my lovely xx I imagine you have something superb for dinner. Are you experimenting and trying new recipes? I imagine you will be. It is exciting trying new recipes, isn’t it?! I do miss this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to cook again.
Liron’s just come back from the shops. She got me some Buchette with Honey and Flowers. I never knew it existed. I know your strong aversion to this cheese, but it has got me excited. I’ll try it soon. I still love trying new things.
It’s 19:19 xx I hope you’re enjoying settling in for the night. Take it extra gently my lovely, and enjoy the most beautiful, sunny and restful evening. Nourish your sweet tum and beautiful heart with lots of delicious goodies {} xxx
I love you so much xx This will always stay regardless. I knew it would. I just needed time to work through things, and let go of the pain to get there again. Great big hugs to you my precious starshine {} Please give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me {} xxxx