Timelines and Memories…
22nd September 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
It’s sadly impossible for our memories to be one hundred percent accurate, but this is where timelines can help give us a slightly clearer picture. I am extremely sorry I inadvertently altered a memory you held dear to you, due to the actual timing of an event. I’m truly and deeply sorry for that my lovely. I really am {} xxx
Perhaps dates aren’t that important, unless it’s to prove something. It’s how something makes us feel that’s more important. It’s these things that makes something memorable, and we hold them close to our hearts.
I revisited two articles after my last therapy session. They were from the Meteor Ford’s Young Technicians of the Year competition. I know my dad was in India with my grandfather during the final part of the competition. The competition was from the end of the fourth year to the beginning of the fifth year, in 1989. I’d just turned fifteen.
We won joint first prize in the best team category. It was the girls versus the boys at our school. My oldest and dear friend is on the left. The four of us were close friends. We had a lot of fun together. The idea of the reflective strip on the car, mentioned in the article, was ours. It was the reflective strip on cat collars that inspired us.
With my dad being in India during the final, my nice aunt and her fiancée came to the final quiz night of the competition. They were both so lovely and very supportive. She said she was proud of me. She was the first person to express this since my mum died. It was a big night and a big competition. We beat the grammar schools.
Unsurprisingly, my dad didn’t want me to take part in the competition, but I didn’t take any notice. By that time, I did what I thought was right for me. He never showed any interest in what I was doing, or gave any encouragement or support. How could he if he hadn’t received it? I see this now. He only told me what I couldn’t do as an order and with anger. It was his way of trying to control me, but he lost that firm grip in my late teens.
He did stop me from playing the saxophone a year or two before that, because it meant skipping a maths class. I was so gutted. I still feel it today. Returning the saxophone to my school was heartbreaking. I felt so happy and excited during my brief time with it.
The group photo of us is significant. It was taken about a year after he raped me, and probably about five months before my overdose. I was never sure about my age when it happened. I thought I was about fourteen or fifteen. Now I know I was fourteen.
It’s a shame I can only see the top half of my uniform in that photo. I had two grey skirts, which I loved, from the beginning of the fourth year. One was woollen, and it had a lovely shape and design. It was a bit more grown up. They were from British Home Stores. It’s funny what we remember.
I remember having those skirts when I kept wetting myself for that brief period. I was so distressed about the possibility of ruining them. Thankfully clothing lasted longer then. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it. I washed everything straight away by hand.
I knew my dad and grandfather went to India after the attack, but the photo helped solidify the events. I did feel very angry when it sank in. I don’t think the visit during the competition was their first. I think they went earlier that year as well. It would have been months after the attack. My dad was looking for a wife. Damage limitation. I remember he didn’t want anyone from here or a divorcee. He wanted someone he could control.
The thing is, up until that point, my dad refused to remarry. The family kept asking him, but he said no. He was still missing my mum. I think he might not have had a choice this time. I wish I could remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure my grandfather came into the room when I was being raped. I know I was screaming. I was distressed, terrified and in tears. I can’t remember the physical pain, but my body definitely does.
Most of family were in the room next door, so they would have heard my screams. They would’ve heard his anger as well, like they normally do, but this time was different. My grandfather normally walked in while my dad was being physically and verbally abusive to me. This would have shocked him. The thing is, I don’t think he took me out of the room that evening. I get flashbacks of him leaving me there.
I’m sure it was around this time my grandfather started sleeping on the couch in the living room. It would explain why he did. He was fairly healthy and didn’t have mobility issues, so it wouldn’t have stopped him from going to their bedroom upstairs.
I wish I hadn’t blocked the memory, along with the other two occasions when I was nine and eleven. I’m pretty sure he molested me a few times as well. Again, I only get shadows and fragments.
With me blocking all the memories of the sexual abuse, I was extremely happy for him to remarry. I wanted him to find someone. I knew how much he was missing my mum, so I thought it would be good for him.
I’m sure my uncle knew as well because his behaviour towards me changed slightly, in a negative way. My grandfather must’ve told him. They both would’ve assumed I remembered, but I had no recollection at all. First memories started to resurface when I was twenty three.
The other thing that surprised me was that I had my very first crush, during that two year period as well. Up until then, boys just didn’t exist. I wasn’t interested, but now I know why.
It developed into a wonderful friendship over the two years, and we had a romantic relationship for a few months towards the end. He was the complete opposite to my dad. He was kind, gentle, sensitive, thoughtful, open, caring and loving. He was also consistent, which really helped. I really liked him, but I can now see I wasn’t in the right place to be in an intimate relationship with anyone. Unknowingly, I was too messed up with all the trauma.
I hate myself for hurting him at the end with the way I ended it. Up until now, that was my biggest regret. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am, to thank him for his precious friendship, and to thank him for being who he was. He really helped me, even though I couldn’t see it at the time. He was also the most mature sixteen year old I’ve ever met. I was completely safe with him and was incredibly lucky.
I know having a crush on someone, especially at that age, is fairly normal. The reason why I’m now questioning it is because of the timing. I would’ve thought with what had happened, I’d unconsciously switch off, like my body had.
As I’ve mentioned before, we’re quite often drawn to people unconditionally. I know I liked him a lot and I loved him in my own way. I had romantic thoughts, but I didn’t have the normal sexual thoughts and feelings, because they were all shut down. I wasn’t even aware of this, but I see it now.
Was I unconsciously looking for safety in a male figure after what my dad had done? Again, I’m asking myself this because of the timing. I’ll be able to ask my therapist next week.
I had no recollection of the sexual abuse at that time, but my panic reactions were showing signs of something not being right. Holding hands was absolutely fine, but the fear was there with everything else, so nothing happened.
I only confided in two people about my overdose, him and my physics teacher. I also told them about the violence. I think by that time I really needed to tell someone. I had a desperate need to. Both were wonderful and so lovely. Regarding the overdose, he told me nothing is ever that bad to do that. He was a wise soul.
I honestly don’t know why I didn’t tell my closest friend. She’s lovely, and I know she would have been caring and very supportive as well. I never told her about my relationship either. I wish I did. She knows everything now. The thing is, it never came to mind when I was with her. I guess I was happy to escape with her.
I was a complete mess. I know I wouldn’t have been able to function if I had remembered the sexual abuse. I wouldn’t have done the Meteor Ford Competition and I wouldn’t have done well with my GCSEs. Blocking the memories helped me survive, but it’s sadly working against me now. I’ll get there, little by little. I just need more pieces of the jigsaw.
It’s 19.52. I hope you’ve almost finished preparing what you need to, and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy a beautiful and restful evening. I hope you’ll have some fun time in your fabulous studio. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too my precious angel {} xxx
I never have been normal. I always felt and knew I was odd. Thank you so much for completely accepting me with all the mess I come with. You knew the real me and you still loved me. You never ran away. That’s made me cry. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. It means the world to me and so do you. You always will {} xxx
I love you and I thank you with all my heart and soul. I hope you can feel me hugging you right now. It’ll happily stay with you along with all my love {} xxxx