Timing…
24th July 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I really do hope you’re keeping well, happy and enjoying a fabulous week. It’s 11.28. I hope you’re enjoying your very special moment with coffee, and everyone and everything is okay {} xxx
At 08.08, with my phone battery at being 8% (I couldn’t help but notice), YouTube sent me a playlist of songs it compiled for me. I was surprised, they were all songs we’d sent each other. Slade’s beautiful Everyday was first on that list. You sent it to me. Yes, Noddy does have a very raw and soulful voice, and I still think of you every day {} xx
The National’s great rendition of Talking Head’s Heaven was also there. You loved it as well. Something exciting always happened even when I was doing nothing…
The song that’s bringing me to tears at the moment is CMAT’s brilliant Euro-Country. I think she’s fantastic. I didn’t know so many men committed suicide in Ireland, after losing everything in the 2008 financial crisis. Utterly horrific and heart breaking.
I do understand. Despite completely different circumstances, I know I wouldn’t be here without Liron. I can’t look after myself with this illness and disability, even with my improvements. I couldn’t survive physically and financially. With a broken and cruel system, with no proper help, I wouldn’t have a choice but to do the same.
In both situations, it’s about losing everything and not being able to survive. It was the same when I took the overdose at fifteen. It was the only way I could escape the abuse and pain. I couldn’t see any other option at that time. It’s the only option I had.
I’m in a very hard crash at the moment. I crashed last week, and then my first video appointment with my occupational therapist on Monday caused me to crash further. I haven’t been this bad for a very long time. The appointment went really well. I really do need her help with pacing. Having the extra energy with the iron infusions helped me do more, but I overdid it without realising. I’m paying for it now. I paced a lot better with you. You were the perfect incentive {} xx
I had therapy today. It’s moved to Thursdays. It’s now 17.17. I’m writing this in chunks. She’s absolutely right, with all the triggers, my emotions are in a boom and bust cycle as well. I easily go from feeling okay one minute, and then I fall apart and feel I can’t cope the next. I do feel overwhelmed by everything. It feels like it’s too much.
Being in a crash state makes it worse, and it feels like I’m going to drown. Pacing and staying within my energy limits will help me stabilise both my energy and emotions. It also means I have the energy to tackle my dad and family in therapy. Pacing is now critical.
It’s also been a very difficult week. There was some devastating news from a friend about a family member. Along with Ozzy Osbourne’s shocking death, it once again highlighted how fragile we all are. All of this has triggered the loss of my mum and her illness. We never know what’s around the corner, but good things can be around the corner as well.
Without your unexpected contact in February, these letters to you might’ve been a bit different. I know it didn’t feel like it at the time because of being triggered, but your contact has given me some hope and comfort. If you’re reading these, I really hope they’re helping to give you some comfort as well. I hope so {} xxx For me, there’s now a chance, no matter how small, of reconciliation. Up until February, I honestly thought our friendship had ended for good. You were clear in November. It might still be, but there’s a glimmer of hope.
I’ve always thought things happen at the right time, and sometimes things happen for a reason. It’s easy to see it in hindsight. The funny thing is, I only finished altering and inserting the additional photos to your letters, a few days before you contacted me. Despite some errors, they were in a good state. It feels like the frantic nature of getting them done was for your contact. Despite the outcome, your timing was perfect in this respect {}
It also meant you had access to your letters before I was well enough to contact you directly. Up until February, this would’ve been the final good bye letter to you accompanied by these letters. I also didn’t think you’d want to hear from me via WhatsApp. Again, your contact has changed all of this. Nothing is ever set in stone, and that’s comforting in itself.
A memory has just come to mind. You always tried to understand how it was for me, especially with this illness. This realisation has brought me to tears. I’m so sorry for ever thinking you didn’t care, I truly am. Please forgive me. I know November felt otherwise, but you were severely triggered just like me. The trigger takes over in those moments and perceived survival is paramount, even when the threat isn’t there. They’re echoes from the past, which can sadly mar our judgement. I’m keeping everything crossed we’ll both be okay when I get in touch {} xx
In the meantime, please always take the greatest care of yourself my lovely, and take it gently with lots of wonderful nourishment for your precious heart. I love you and I’m thinking of you {} xxx
Sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing and protective bear hugs and kisses {} xxxx
20.08
I completely forgot, I hope you loved the cricket today. I imagine you did. Sleep well and restfully my precious sweetheart, with sweet dreams for both of us {} xxx