Trust…
8th February 2026
The thing that makes me extremely angry is that I honestly believed I was the worst person on the planet. It’s still there. It led to me never being able to trust myself, especially when it involves someone else.
I could never trust my thoughts or feelings. I couldn’t trust the warning signs I got about people. Again, I thought I was a bad person for having negative thoughts about them, and this caused me so much harm. This belief put me in grave danger with the perpetrator.
The thought of being a bad person has controlled me and affected my decisions. It affected my life severely. This realisation is extremely upsetting and painful at the moment. So much could’ve been avoided…
Until I discovered that the perpetrator was guilty, I trusted everyone. I thought they were always right, and it was me who was wrong. It was only their thoughts and feelings that mattered, not mine.
After realising the perpetrator’s guilt, I kept people at arm’s length. I could no longer trust people in the same way as I’d done. But there’s one friend who’s always been there for me, since I left home. I will always be eternally thankful and grateful to them. He’s been my angel as well.
I naturally couldn’t really trust anyone after the perpetrator, and I was a complete mess internally as well, which came out with the bulimia. It was Liron who opened my heart a year later, and I grew to trust her fully. Then you, and everyone else who came into my life, did the same as well. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxx
I now have a healthier approach to trust. My instinct is still to trust people unless they prove otherwise. I am trusting the warning signs when I get them, although it’s still difficult to trust them fully. This is when I might need someone to speak with.
The recent experience with my face cleanser showed me how easy it is to doubt myself, and even gaslight myself. I knew that the first sample was like the old formula I was using, despite Neal’s Yard being adamant that it couldn’t be.
When the second sample came, I knew the consistency was different from the first sample. It was creamier, but I dismissed it and convinced myself that I was wrong.
With the irritation taking longer to show, I thought the new formula would be okay if I used less. I was trying to fit in with what Neal’s Yard told me, that both samples are the same, but my skin knew they were different. No one could tell it otherwise, not even me.
I finally trusted my skin and what it was telling me, rather than what I was being told by Neal’s Yard. My skin knows the first sample was the older formula. I’m so glad I could compare the two physically, and feel the difference in their consistency.
It’s good to finally trust myself. I didn’t need to tell them at Neal’s Yard because there wasn’t any point. They no longer have a cleanser I can use. I also don’t think they’d believe me, but again I don’t need to prove myself to them. I just needed to prove it to myself.
I can see that I tried to gaslight myself with the second sample. I’m just happy my face wouldn’t have any of it. This is exactly what I’ve done with people, especially the perpetrator. I gaslit myself. I didn’t trust the information I was getting, and blamed myself for having those thoughts. No wonder I was so easy to manipulate and control. I didn’t question anything. I was too scared to. It was safer to comply, like it was at home…
Thankfully this started to change after meeting Liron, and with the help of therapy. It explains why I felt anger for the very first time after meeting Liron, it was safe to. She made me realise that I had every right to feel this anger, and that I wasn’t a bad person for feeling it.
She helped me see the injustices I was experiencing at the time, and gave me the courage to challenge it. I still felt like a bad person for doing this, but she gave me the reassurance I needed. It was Liron who told me what my rights were. I never knew I had any. I was always at the service of others. Up until I met Liron, I found it extremely difficult to say no, but that slowly changed.
The brilliant HND course was also life changing, as was meeting you and everyone else since. I finally had a voice. I could finally speak and still be accepted. I was accepted for just being me, and that was extremely powerful and healing. I found a place where I belonged. I finally felt at home…
I keep forgetting, when I saw the film Gaslight, I noticed that their house number was no.9. I couldn’t help but think of Inside No.9. That house would definitely fit right in. I do miss it. I miss you too, with all my heart. I’m extremely sorry for being so fucked up. I am in the process of changing this. Little by little…
I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, and you are keeping well. I really hope so {} xxx I wish I could speak with you directly, and I wish I could hug you. I am hugging you. I just hope you can feel it along with my love {} xxxx