Turner…
27th December 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
I’ve been wanting to write to you about Turner for over a month now. I finally can but it’ll take me a few days. My brain’s still struggling badly, and my fluey PEM symptoms are severe, but these thoughts are swirling around my head, so it’s time. Little by little.
I didn’t know anything about Turner’s traumatic childhood, that he had lost his sister at a young age, and that his mother was bipolar, which made her volatile and unpredictable. I completely understand the effect this would’ve had on him.
It was wonderful of Chris Packham to bring to our attention that Turner might’ve been neurodivergent, due to his hyperfocus. Trauma can also rewire the brain and affect the nervous system in a similar way to someone who is neurodivergent.
It’s likely the trauma Turner experienced would’ve affected his brain as well. It might be possible his hyperfocus was a result of being neurodivergent and the trauma. Both can exist at the same time. Also, the nervous system in both can be affected similarly as well.
It’s great that his father provided the much needed stability for Turner, and was fully supportive of him. In this respect, his father reminded me of my mum, and his mum my dad.
Turner committing his mum to the institution would’ve have been incredibly difficult for him. I can’t imagine the grief, guilt and shame that’s likely to accompany it. It was seeping out, but he needed to keep going, so he buried a lot of it. His hyperfocus with his work would’ve helped with that.
I can completely relate to trying to bury the trauma as well. I did exactly the same thing. I just wanted to move forward and forget, but unknowingly, I was still chained and held captive by the unresolved trauma.
Hearing how Turner was after his dad died, with his heart breaking, having a breakdown, and all the unresolved trauma from his past resurfacing, made me realise this is exactly what has happened with me. My heart didn’t just break because I love you, it broke because of everything, including how we were with each other, and the safety and trust that came with it.
As you know, this illness has been severely traumatising for me, it would be for anyone. Everything was turned upside down and I lost almost everything. You helped provide stability and a sense of normality with your friendship. You were a constant while everything within and around me was changing, and out of my control.
You were also my safety and I trusted you completely. Like Liron, you saw the things I feel ashamed of, my deep insecurities and triggers, but you never ran away. You didn’t judge or think badly of me. I was my complete self with you, and I reconnected with parts of myself that were buried, like the playfulness.
I also came to you during my darkest and distressed states, as well as my normal and happy ones. You listened, and you were always there for me. You helped get me out of the triggers by helping bring me back to the present. This was done by just having a normal conversation with you, so that I knew everything was okay, or by correcting any misunderstandings.
You were my North Star, in the same way Turner’s dad was his, and I didn’t realise just how much I relied on you until recently. You were my safety. Despite all the positive changes within myself, I fell apart because of all the unresolved trauma from my childhood. I could no longer run away from those core wounds because they all exploded at the same time. The ticking bomb had finally been detonated.
This would’ve been the same for Turner as well. His immense grief and heartbreak for his father, would’ve detonated all his buried feelings of grief, shame, insecurities, fears, anger etc. from his childhood trauma. Everything he’d known would’ve just crumbled, in the same way it did for me.
It does improve with time, little by little, but my heart really goes out to Turner. He had to deal with the aftermath of it on his own, which would’ve been more horrendous. I can’t imagine. I had Liron and therapy to help me go through this, he had no one. Despite my sparse contact, I also have my friends, my family. For me, just knowing that they’re there is just as powerful.
Love, care and understanding is so important during these turbulent times, and it helps with the healing. No one can take the pain away, but they can help make the journey more bearable.
Isn’t it brilliant they could see how Turner connected with women and people through his sketches? After keeping people at arms length for decades, it’s wonderful he met Sophia Booth, and he fully connected with her emotionally. This would’ve been healing for him as well.
The Holdovers comes to mind. With everything that’s been happening, and not having the energy, I haven’t had a chance to tell you about it. It’s such a beautiful and moving film about the relationship between a student and his professor, who’s quite hostile and set in his ways.
They’re stuck at the boarding school during the Christmas holidays. Coming from opposite backgrounds, the professor’s prejudices were quickly shattered, and he learnt that they have a lot more in common.
With getting to know each other and connecting, they helped each other grow. The professor managed to get out of the cage he unknowingly created, and the student had someone who cared, supported and believed in him. Both lives were transformed in positive ways.
There’s one scene when they visit a museum, and the student is surprised to see the erotic drawings on the Greek vase. The professor told him, “If you truly want to understand the present and yourself, you must begin in the past. It is an explanation of the present”.
He’s absolutely right. We see it clearly with Turner and so many others, we see those patterns within ourselves when we look back and reflect. We’re seeing it happening right now all around us. Yes, everything is repeated, including history, but this helps us to understand what we’re experiencing is quite normal and expected.
So many billions and more have experienced everything before us. I do find some comfort in that knowledge and understanding. They help teach us through their experiences, and we know that we’re not alone with our feelings and experiences. They also teach us that it’s possible to get through the dark times, and that they don’t last. They give us hope.
As I’ve said before, you will always be a part of me, regardless of what happens. Paul Weller singing Gravity on Jools popped up last week, and it felt like I was hearing it for the very first time. It’s such a beautiful song {} xxx
You are my gravity, and I’ll always love you. I’m hugging you extremely tightly. I hope you can feel it my precious angel {} xxxx