Unexpected Discoveries…
21st February 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
The holistic therapist was so lovely. She also works with trauma, and there was an unexpected surprise during our appointment. I sadly can’t remember her exact words to her question, but my answer was “I died”. I died when my mum died.
It’s the first time I’ve thought this. I really connected with it, in the same way I’m connecting with everything else. I couldn’t stop crying. It felt like a therapy session, and it was another breakthrough.
I’ve always had flashbacks of me standing in the dark bedroom alone, just after my mum died. Now I understand what it means, and how I was feeling. I always thought that the light went out when she died, but it was more than that. I felt like I’d died when my mum died.
I noticed a few times since, whist snuggled up, I automatically imagined my child snuggling up with me, and I’d comfort her. I think my nine year old child is finally out of that dark room. She didn’t die.
The holistic therapist really went out of her way to help, and she’s given me a lot of information, which means a lot. I’ll slowly go through it. I’m so thankful and grateful to her for that, and for her inadvertently helping me make another breakthrough.
Regarding my face, she’s going to send me a sample cleanser to try. There’s just one. She also kindly got in touch with a lady who makes customised cleanser oils. Mine didn’t work as a cleanser, perhaps other oil combinations might.
She also suggested Olive Squalane Oil. I will try it. If it doesn’t work neat, perhaps it could work in my oil as a cleanser. I’m certain glycerine helps my skin, and this is an emollient as well. I am getting desperate. I had severe reactions with the last two cleansers. I think realistically, the only option I have is making my own.
I am on the extreme end with my skin. I never thought I’d be stuck like this. Liron feels confident that she can make something that works. I really hope so.
I really do struggle showing compassion towards myself. It’s like I hit a brick wall. It’s so much easier with others. I felt it for my dad this week.
I watched the 2011 version of Wuthering Heights for the first time. The cinematography is absolutely stunning. Some scenes of the moors were like paintings. It’s raw, atmospheric and bleak. It’s a very real film.
It’s the very first time I could watch such violence and abuse without getting triggered. I could relate to how they’re feeling, but it felt different this time. This feels like another breakthrough.
I actually saw my dad in Heathcliff, especially the rage and mental instability that consumed him. Liron and I saw it in him the last time. I felt sorry for him. The perpetrator wasn’t like this. He pretended to be mentally unstable during the final year, but it was to avoid the trial. He knew what he was doing.
In the same way it was trauma driven with Heathcliff, it was the same for my dad as well. My mum was my dad’s Cathy, except my mum came from a loving family. My dad did love her and he needed her. He didn’t love me. I’m sure of it. He was incapable of loving me.
The film also helped me see the generational trauma clearly. My mum tried to break it by leaving my dad and filing for divorce. It sadly didn’t work out, and I wasn’t spared it. I know I’ll never have any children, but it’s up to me to break that cycle, which I’m starting to. I didn’t realise it had such a firm grip on me, and how harmful it’s been.
I’m getting there, little by little…