Unmet Needs and Triggers…

16th January 2025

Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,

I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, I really do {} xxx I wish I knew. I miss you so much. It’s really hitting me again. Started yesterday, especially when I looked at the magnificent moon, planets and stars.

You were in my dream last night, which is rare. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to see you. We talked and everything was sorted. We were absolutely fine and went back to normal.

It was so lovely. I didn’t want to wake up because I knew this will never happen. It was just a dream. My heart’s breaking all over again. I can’t put it right.

I know objectively that neither of us are at fault, but I couldn’t avoid it. I’ve been putting all the blame and responsibility onto myself. I’m beating myself up for not getting it right over our last few days. I’ve learnt a lot since, and understand much more, but it’s too late.

I wish I could have helped you in the way you needed. I automatically thought we all need the same things, but I’m realising that these things can look quite different from person to person, and it can be shown in other ways or forms.

I could only go with my own feelings and experiences regarding love, care and safety. I never knew they can feel different depending on the person, their attachment styles and experiences. I never knew this, I really didn’t.

The love, care, comfort and support I gave is all I know. It’s a part of me and it’s always been unconditional. The only difference was the depth of love I feel for you, which is something I’ve never experienced before.

Chaos © 2025 Priti Patel

I’ve been going around in circles, but I’m reaching the point where I can see it’s not achieving anything and it’s causing me harm. I’m just tormenting and punishing myself.

Blaming myself for everything does stem from my childhood. I was blamed for everything, including the trauma that was inflicted on me, so I know where this comes from. I need to work on this in therapy.

I needed a gentle steer from Liron who asked me how I was feeling. All my focus has been on you, your needs and how you might be feeling. I forgot about myself.

I’ve been feeling the intense pain and loss. I don’t feel like myself anymore, there’s a very deep sadness and emptiness. You’re still here but I can’t reach out to you, and this breaks my heart. It breaks my heart further knowing I can’t put anything right.

I can’t feel like I used to, but I haven’t asked myself how I’ve been affected by losing you. How has it made me feel, and what do I need to do to help myself? Self care doesn’t come naturally to me, neither does compassion towards myself.


I was made aware that people are like mirrors, so whatever is in them that triggers us, are the things that are unresolved within us. We can also project our unmet needs onto others unconsciously and try to fulfil it for them. I can relate to both.

It’s always been easier for me to focus on and help others. I couldn’t fully feel my own pain in the past, but I could see it and feel it in others, and I tried to help put it right. I gave them what I thought they needed, which was love, care, support and encouragement.

Focusing on other people also meant I could run away from myself, and my trauma and pain. I could escape in those moments.

I also ran away by keeping busy, but I was like a pressure cooker, and the repressed emotions would explode uncontrollably at breaking points. It felt like a release, but I couldn’t fully make sense of it. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I blamed myself.

Thinking about my unmet needs, I can now clearly see that I’ve been unconsciously searching for my mum’s unconditional love, care and safety. I also have the desperate need for my father to love and accept me. Neither is possible.

My search is actually closer to home. I need to be as kind, compassionate, patient and loving towards myself as my mum was to me, and how I am to others. I know I can no longer ignore myself. This is hard for me to do, and it will take time, mindfulness and a lot of work.

We must never ignore ourselves or our needs and feelings. We can’t neglect ourselves. We mustn’t continue doing what was done to us in the past. We’ve been neglected enough.

My triggers are the unresolved things from my past, which I’m working on. Things do look and feel very different during these moments. My worries, fears and emotions feel real, but I’ve noticed that the severity of my triggers have reduced a lot over the last couple of years, and this really is thanks to you {} xxx

I’m so sorry that I was inadvertently triggered by you. I wish I could’ve changed it. I couldn’t control it, but you helped bring me out of them with us talking. You made me realise that you’re nothing like my past experiences. This helped me slowly break that connection. You helped me feel safe and cared for, and you never let me down. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxxx

I just wish I could’ve done the same for you. My heart breaks as I write those words.

I’m realising that the automatic survival mechanisms I’ve learnt in my past, are more of a hindrance now. The danger has gone.

Change is possible.

I can’t tell you how I wish I could’ve helped you, especially during the last few days, and any other times you might’ve felt like that. This is what I’m beating myself up about, despite knowing that it couldn’t have been any different with what I knew at that time.

I feel I let you down badly at the most critical time. The time when you needed me the most. I’m truly and deeply sorry for this, I really am. Please forgive me. I just didn’t know. I wish I did.

I’m hugging you extremely tightly and I love you with all my heart. I always will {} xxxx

David Lynch…

Letters of Love, Regret and Hope