Validation…
24th June 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really do hope you’re okay my lovely and you are breathing a huge sigh of relief this week. I hope the hard going slog is finally over. I also hope you haven’t got too long to go now. I’m willing the time to go super quickly for you. You’re doing brilliantly {} xxx
I’ve just finished watching the sixth series of The Doctor, and what an exciting one it’s been, with the revelation of River Song being Amy and Rory’s child, to The Doctor escaping his death. There were also three episodes I resonated with, but I need to save them for another day.
I’ve crashed properly today, but it’s the monthlies that’s draining me. It’s making up for being absent last month, and it’s making the most of the extra iron. I’m losing a lot of blood. I’m relieved I postponed yesterday’s scan until Friday. Funnily it started to gush at the time I was due to be there. It would’ve been extremely distressing.
Something really cheered me up though. Thanks to Liron looking fabulous in her playsuits, I thought I’d try one. She’s a great influence, just like you {} xxx Mine arrived today. I was surprised it fits perfectly, looks cool and most importantly I feel great in it, despite feeling completely drained today. I would never have tried one a couple of years ago.
I even got myself a one piece and a two piece a month ago, not that I’ll be needing them. It’s to help me see how I really look. I feel great in them too. Most things don’t suit me, but the cut, shape and style of things makes a huge difference. I still see my flaws, but they’re not the only things I see now.
I did get emotional today. I’ve seen myself through my dad’s and his side of the family’s eyes for decades. Those years have been completely wasted, and I find this upsetting. I can’t get them back. I have missed out on a lot, I’ve beaten myself up unnecessarily, and I haven’t truly lived.
The shame about my body was not only caused by what my dad did to me, along with someone else years later, it was also caused by how they all saw me. They saw me as a monster and that’s how I saw myself. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, especially public places. The other person saw me as an object to manipulate for their own needs. They coerced me into doing what they wanted. With him and my dad, my body never belonged to me, and I wasn’t seen as a human being.
I wore oversized clothes to hide my body. I thought I was too big, yet my weight has only fluctuated about a stone up and down throughout my life. The colours of my playsuit really suits my skin tone. I could see it today. As you know, they made me feel ugly for my skin being dark, and this is how I saw myself, The Elephant Man. But it was never about my weight, shape or my skin colour was it? It was anything they could pick on.
I am reclaiming my body. It does belong to me. I’m feeling more comfortable in my skin. The shame connected to it is going. I have nothing to feel ashamed about. It was them, especially my dad and the other person. Along with reclaiming my body, I am also validating it myself. This is just as important.
I think self-validation, which includes all parts of me, is another reason why I need to be on my own for this part of my journey. This is how I will get to know myself and accept all parts of myself, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Hopefully I’ll learn that I don’t need to be perfect in someone else’s eyes, including my own. I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of existing, and worthy to be loved and accepted by myself. I have a long way to go, but I’m slowly getting there. Thank you so, so much my precious angel. You’re still with me {} xxx
I hope you’ll be running out of that door any minute now. I imagine you’ll be looking forward to watching the cricket. Thoroughly enjoy every thrilling minute for me too my lovely {} xx
Take it very gently. Enjoy the most sunny and beautifully chilled evening, with lots of rest, relaxation and delicious things. I love you so much and hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx
Here’s something for you to relax to, Jeff Bec playing Pork Pie at Ronnie Scott’s. I imagine you know it well. He’s brilliant {} xx