Wake-Up Call…
13th April 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really do hope you’re feeling okay my lovely. I saw the pollen count is very high, so I’m keeping everything crossed you’re not severely affected by it {} xxx I hope you’re okay and having a brilliant, relaxing and restful start to your much needed holiday.
I had a bit of a wake-up call last night. I’ve noticed recently that I feel nauseous after my shower. It’s when I’m at my energy limit. I had a horrendous bout of it last night. I had a bit of gin so that probably didn’t help.
I saw the almost full moon and started taking photos. It looked stunning with the clouds. I thought of you and imagine you were captivated by its enigmatic presence as well {}
I felt nauseous taking photos and couldn’t keep upright at all. Having to keep changing the settings on the camera didn’t help. I felt like I had a very bad hangover and my tum was in pain as well. Thankfully it all alleviated within the hour when I lay down. I’m pretty sure this is the dysautonomia. It did scare me and I hope it’ll be a wake-up call for change.
I’m pushing myself too much, but I can’t seem to stop it. I seemed to look after myself and manage this illness much better with you. I think my therapist is right. She said you gave me validation to keep going, which meant I could take care of myself. This is something I wasn’t even aware of.
I’m now back to my old and normal coping mechanism. Pushing myself to get validation. These letters, photos and ideas are giving me a sense of validation that isn’t external, which is a positive thing, but at the same time I’m punishing myself to get it. I am punishing myself. I always have done.
It’s the same with the plants. I can care for them, but I’m pushing myself to the limit. It’s like a compulsion. My therapist said both are good for me, but not the pushing and punishing.
I need to get the right balance so that it doesn’t harm my health. Learning to do self-care and being kind to myself is critical, but I have a strong resistance to it at the moment. I don’t feel I deserve to be cared for, and I think there’s a part of me that really hates myself.
The pushing is my survival mechanism. Liron knows it as the Drill Sargent. It’s the voice that becomes dominant during triggered states. Its sole function is to keep us safe. Problem is, that danger has passed but it automatically resurfaces when it’s reminded of the danger.
It’s the same voice that told me not to feel sorry for myself as a child. It’s the same voice that’s trying to stop me feeling the pain. It’s the same voice that’s been as cruel and harsh as my dad and family. It’s the only way it could keep me going, by pushing me. It doesn’t care about my health or well-being. This is how I survived. I was whipping myself, and I still am.
I thought it had improved, but it’s come back in full force. It’s always been automatic, but I’m aware of it now and the harm it’s causing. I didn’t see the harm in the past because my body worked. That’s all changed now.
I really do need to work on this so that I can change it for something that is positive for me. This is going to take a long time, with conscious awareness and effort to break these automatic thoughts and behavioural patterns. I really am messed up.
Coming back to the photos I took last night, I only looked at them this morning. Here are the best ones just for you {} xx
Enigmatic Moon 1-4 – 2025
It’s now 12.24pm and the sun is trying its best to shine through the clouds. I hope the sun is shining brightly in your precious heart. Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my lovely. Enjoy the most gorgeous, relaxing, fun and magical day for me too. I’m thinking of you and I’m hugging you extra tightly {} xxxx
Gorillaz street performance of Melancholy Hill comes to mind. It’s so beautiful and rings true. You were my best medicine and I wish… {} xxx
1.38pm
This just popped up: Name a song by The Beatles using the first letter of your first name. Penny Lane came to mind, but there’s P.S. I Love You as well. Which song comes to mind for you? You have so many brilliant ones to choose from.
1.55pm
I was just going through an alphabetical list of their songs. It needs an update with Now and Then. I never knew they did a cover of September in the Rain. I remember sending you Dinah Washington’s. It took me ages to find. Her song was playing in my head for ages, but I didn’t know its name or who it was by. I thought it was Sweet September.