Waking up to Reality…
26th – 31st July 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, and despite the gloom, the sun’s shining brightly in your precious heart, and it’s filled with lots of love and magic {} xxx
I just heard a plane fly over. I hope you’re enjoying a very chilled day doing the things you love xx It’s 14:52. The sun’s trying to shove the clouds out of the way, and I just heard an ice-cream van.
I’m so sorry I can’t write to you properly at the moment. With everything that’s happened, these need to be therapeutic letters. I know you’ll understand {} xxxx
I’ve barely had much sleep over the last few days, and my system is in complete overdrive. It’s been solid orange since yesterday. I’m in danger territory and I’ll be paying severely for this with a severe crash.
What Happened During the Session
I’m still in shock with what happened on Thursday, and my anger’s naturally there, but it comes in bursts with the realisations. I’ve never been in such a deep fawn state with any of my previous therapists. This is a mental state I was in with my dad, after his rages. After the imminent terror had subsided.
It felt like my therapist was hammering me during that session. She wasn’t having a conversation with me, she was telling me what I was doing, and saying it as a firm fact. No space for disagreement. No space for a discussion or the truth.
She then used the fragments of information she had, and tried to extract some more, to back up her theory that my identity and I are attached to my trauma, which is why I didn’t want to let it go.
She was adamant that I was clinging onto my trauma with my old hairstyle (completely wrong assumption which I can prove), and all my artwork (of which she only knows a fraction, and I can disprove with some of the ideas in my journals and in my head).
I always felt there must be a reason why I’ve been through what I have. For me, that purpose ended up being able to help others. I knew I could never be a therapist because of the nature of it, but I could hopefully do it with my creative work.
My therapist said that artists only use a part of their trauma in their artwork, not fully like I did. Again, she was making a sweeping assumption and was completely wrong. There’s Tracey Emin, Louise Bourgeois and Yayoi Kusama, to name a few. Ai Weiwei recently recreating his brutal experience in his prison cell is another example.
Richard Gadd’s Baby Reindeer was all about his trauma of sexual abuse, and it’s the most powerful, visceral and harrowing thing I’ve ever seen on the subject. I feel it’s a story that needed to be told.
It felt like an interrogation on Thursday (Ai Weiwei’s interrogation in his cell just came to mind), and what my therapist was saying was untrue. My eyes were closing throughout. It wasn’t because my energy went, which is now normal with this illness, it’s because I was trying to dissociate and I went into the deep fawn state, after she was telling me her false assumption about my hair.
I was automatically agreeing with her. I couldn’t think. As I mentioned in my last letter, I also told her about David Lynch not wanting to see a therapist in case it affected his creativity. I was trying to back up what she was saying to me, so that I believed it, which is extremely harmful as well. I’m doing what she’s telling me, not what I know is true.
It reminds me of not being able to paint for ten years, after my perpetrator said the “guardian angels” would only be able to communicate with me, and give me ideas, if I sorted out my sexual problems. I know this is absolute bollocks, but I didn’t at the time, and I believed everything he said.
The other worrying thing is that there was a split second when I thought my therapist might be right about my artwork. I thought this means I shouldn’t be doing it. Thankfully, I know myself a lot better now and I’m a lot more confident. I also have Liron to discuss these things with. I would’ve spoken with you as well {} xxx
However, if this was about fifteen years ago, or if I didn’t have Liron right now, giving me a healthy and objective viewpoint, then I would’ve believed every word my therapist said without question. Like I did with everyone else. Like I did with my hairdressers, and like I did with my perpetrator.
I would’ve stopped myself from creating the work I do, because I would’ve thought I wasn’t letting go of my trauma. Her making firm assumptions on the tiny information she had is extremely dangerous. She would’ve messed me up, and I would’ve denied a core part of me.
I’ve never experienced this with any of my previous therapists. I do feel extremely concerned about my therapists’ clients, especially with her quick assumptions and bias’. They can be harmful and lead to wrong approaches.
My therapist asked what type of therapy I had prior to seeing her. I couldn’t remember the name because my brain had gone. It was shutting down. I explained what it was, and she gave the right name, it was psychodynamics. It was really difficult for me to speak. I said whatever came to mind.
It felt like she was prodding, and I told her that I wasn’t sure whether my previous therapist liked me, because she couldn’t show any emotions. I said that this was difficult. But she didn’t give me a chance to explain further, and I’d just given up at that point.
My therapist then asked, what made me stay, and I think I said it’s because I needed to in order to get to the root of the problem. That’s why I chose that particular form of therapy. I also said that I could feel (my painful emotions) with her. I was so disconnected from those emotions, which is why this was invaluable. It still is.
Again, with just with that small amount of information, she said that I went through discomfort with my previous therapist, but I’m choosing comfort with her by not going where I need to.
The problem is she doesn’t tell me how to get there. I need her help. She doesn’t tell me how we can work on it together. I’ve asked her and she doesn’t answer. It’s normally me talking in the sessions, hoping she’ll use the information I give her to help me. But there’s been nothing.
There are moments where she gives me hope, saying that we’ll continue looking at something the following week, and then there’s nothing. It’s the first time I’ve really spoken about what happened with my perpetrator. She said we’d go back to it, but we never did. She doesn’t follow up on it.
I do notice and I feel disappointed, but I don’t ask her again. It’s difficult for me to ask, so I’m left hanging. This has happened so many times over the last eighteen months, when I needed her the most. She’s been very consistent with this. She doesn’t follow through on what she says.
She was way off the mark with the assumptions she was making on Thursday. From how she was speaking to me, it also felt like I wasn’t doing anything, which is absolutely wrong. These letters show exactly what I’ve been doing, all my realisations and where they were coming from. I’ve worked really hard with the tiny energy I have, and everything else I’ve had to deal with regarding my health.
The letters show the huge progress I’ve made, but there wasn’t that much input from my therapist in the last eighteen months. Again, I’m extremely thankful for the moments when she did engage with me, because when she did it really helped, but they were few and far between. I’m extremely thankful and grateful that she has been there for me. It’s meant the world to me. She’s been really lovely, but she’s been more of a friend rather than a therapist.
I just had a thought; it’s like my dad not showing any interest in what I was doing or how well I was doing. I felt my therapist did the same on Thursday.
Therapeutic Processes
I don’t know all of her approaches. She uses an approach she thinks would help a particular issue, but we don’t talk about possible ways she could help, especially over the last thirteen months. I only know of the ones she’s tried with me. They’ve been just over a handful over the six years, but they were invaluable and helped tremendously. Again, I’m extremely thankful and grateful to her for these, and I apologise if I’ve missed anything on this list.
In the first few years:
- Trying to recover the blocked traumatic memories of the sexual abuse. I couldn’t fully go there. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t feel safe enough with her.
- Taking photos of my face when I looked a mess and sending them to you. Your reactions really helped. Thank you so much my lovely {} xxx It made me feel that nothing wrong with my face. I’m not a repulsive monster. You didn’t run away screaming. It also helped me realise that it’s absolutely fine for someone to see me in this way. This exercise was brilliant and extremely helpful.
- Asking people what their memories and thoughts were about me, so that I could get an objective view how I’m seen, not the negative ones I’ve been instilled with. I was surprised and very moved by some of my loved ones’ responses.
- Encouraging me to get my hair cut, which had a liberating effect. I finally got the new hairstyle I’ve been asking for, for decades. I’m incredibly thankful to her for this.
From November 2024 until July 2026:
- Saying positive affirmations about myself to help with my self-worth. They helped for a while, but then so much was coming up afterwards.
- Asking me to draw my dad as the monster that I was terrified of, which helped me in touch with my anger, not just with my dad but with my family as well. I also felt a lot of pain. This was at the end of April 2025.
Sadly, it feels like we’re on completely different wavelengths, especially over the last thirteen months. We haven’t been working together. Her firm and incorrect assumptions show this. She doesn’t know me at all, and I don’t really know what her therapeutic methods are. She doesn’t communicate with me. She doesn’t ask me questions that need to be asked, to get a fuller picture. If she did, then she’d be able to make a more accurate assumption, like why I had the same hair style for decades.
My therapist has been wonderful, lovely, kind, compassionate and understanding, and the small nuggets of information she’s given me over the last eighteen months have been invaluable. The therapeutic help she gave me in the earlier years was absolutely brilliant, but they sadly have been very sparse. I honestly don’t know what happened. I haven’t had a review with her for over eighteen months.
When I see how Liron and her therapist work together, it’s a very supportive and positive process. They have conversations and decide together what the right approaches would be. If there are disagreements, they talk about it. They find the right path forward together.
Liron said her therapist always asks her questions, rather than making assumptions. The whole approach feels very healthy to me. I see how Liron is flourishing. She’s also not left to deal with major things completely on her own, and her therapist makes sure she’s safe. Her safety is paramount. She doesn’t push her, like my therapist tried to on Thursday, without any warning.
It’s not like this with my therapist, but I wish it was. It’s what I need. My previous therapist was brilliant with ensuring my safety, all my previous therapists were. I also knew what their processes were. They were very clear, and we worked together.
For example, Liron’s therapist has been brilliant with teaching her self-care, and they do it together. Her therapist gives her lots of resources and information as well.
I have asked my therapist for help with self-care, and she gave me a few suggestions, but nothing concrete. We didn’t really talk about it. It’s Liron who’s teaching me how to do self-care, from what she’s learnt with her therapist.
It’s also Liron who’s helping me recognise my triggers and showing me ways to help regulate myself, by being aware that I am in distress, and treating myself with kindness and comfort. It doesn’t stop the feelings, but it helps me go through it. Again, she’s learnt this with her therapist.
I’ve told my therapist a number of times that I don’t know how to manage my triggers, and she’s been completely silent. No reaction. I always feel like I’m left not knowing what to do. It’s been awful, but I quickly push those feelings aside, ignore it, forget it, and continue with her. I convince myself that everything is fine and that she’s brilliant. It’s the only way I could stay and continue. I see this now.
Liron told me that she noticed nothing was being followed through with my therapist. This happened many times over the years, but she thought it was the therapeutic process, so didn’t say anything. She said that it felt like the important realisations didn’t go anywhere. She’s absolutely right. I felt this as well. I desperately needed my therapist’s help.
I asked. Liron also knew that I was going through a lot, that I was in a continuous triggered and distressed state, desperately needing help, so she stayed silent. I’ve asked her not to in future. She was happy to hear that.
I recently told my therapist about how I’m noticing my thoughts and behaviours when I’m triggered, and that I need to change them. I was hoping she’d help me with this, but I was met with silence again.
My Previous Therapist
Like me, Liron acknowledges that I’ve done most of the therapeutic work myself over the last eighteen months. This really is thanks to my last therapist and everything I’ve learnt with her.
My analytical thought process, which overflows into everything, including my artwork, is because of my time with her. It’s become a part of who I am. In the same way letter writing did, which I learnt during my time with my inner-child therapist.
My current therapist didn’t give me a chance to explain further about my previous therapist. The truth is she was brilliant. It took me a long time to get used to the style of therapy, but I was fine once I did, and I knew her expressionless face wasn’t because she didn’t like me.
She was reliable, always there for me, and she was fully with me when I was going through the extremely painful moments. She talked with me and gave me comfort during those critical moments. She also made sure I was safe at all times.
She was brilliant with boundaries, which included strict time keeping. She gave me at least a month or more notice about planned absences. I’d give her my availability in advance as well. Naturally, unexpected things came up, but I was informed as soon as she knew, and vice versa. She was also very organised and professional.
There was a point where we reached a stumbling block, so she suggested another therapist who did EMDR, to hopefully help unblock it. After my time with her, I returned to my therapist to continue. My therapist sending me to someone else showed her care and wanting to help me move forward. She also asked me if I’d like to do it. It was my choice.
It was lovely going back to her and finishing with her. We had a month or a bit more, to start saying goodbye. This was wonderful because she could be more expressive now, so I got to see her as a person. I remember blowing her a kiss as we said our final goodbye. We were both beaming. It was lovely. I felt so happy. If only all endings could be like this.
I honestly thought I was absolutely fine after that therapy. It was getting this illness and everything that followed, that made me realise that I’d only touched the surface in my previous therapy.
I felt I needed a different therapeutic approach, with more direct help from a therapist, which is why I chose my current therapist. The moments where we worked together have been brilliant, and I’m so thankful to her for all her help, but they we barely there, especially over the last thirteen months when I desperately needed her professional help and guidance. She was absent.
Why Did I Stay?
It’s funny, my therapist asked me this question about my previous therapist, on Thursday, but I was unable to give her the full account because I couldn’t speak. I was trying to dissociate from her. Unknowingly, I was scared of her in that moment.
She did become my dad and family on Thursday, by telling me who I was and what I was doing, without knowing the full facts. Just like my family, she didn’t know me at all. She was completely wrong with her assumptions. She didn’t even notice that I was shutting down.
I thought just because I could express my feelings and cry with her, meant that I was safe with her. I thought she was helping me with this. I was wrong and it made me ignore the other things. I needed her therapeutic help, I needed her to be reliable, and I needed us to work together.
Liron reminded me that I was able to express my emotions with my occupational therapist and the one and only appointment with the holistic therapist. She’s absolutely right. This means that I will be able to do it with someone else as well. I have changed. My painful emotions are no longer under lock and key.
The moments of therapeutic help my therapist has given me, gave me hope that she will continue doing so. But she didn’t keep to her word about going back to things. She knew the importance and significance of them. I kept waiting and waiting until that next brief moment of proper help or insight.
It was the same with my dad, I clung onto the moment he showed me some care, and I hoped it would continue. I hoped he’d change. Disappointment naturally ensued, like it has with my therapist.
I couldn’t rely on my dad when I needed him after my mum died. I couldn’t rely on my therapist when I needed her the most, when all the trauma and raw emotions exploded at the same time. She was there as a friend would be, which meant so much to me, but I needed her therapeutic help and input.
With the frequent last-minute cancellations, I knew I couldn’t rely on her. I couldn’t fully trust her to be there for me, but I was so thankful and grateful when she was. I couldn’t tell her how the uncertainty was affecting me, because I quickly dismissed my feelings and forgot. I needed her help more than anything else.
I was always so relieved not to get a Skype/Teams message from her on the day of our appointment. It meant I’d be seeing her. That’s how it’s ended up being. I still don’t know if she will be there in a few weeks, or if she’ll cancel.
It was always lovely seeing her. Again, she was there for me, but not in the way that I needed. Just like my dad showing his care, I clung onto those brief moments where she gave me that much needed therapeutic help and insight.
Being so understanding also stopped me from getting in touch with how I really felt, which is harmful for me. She kindly pointed this out to me regarding how I was with others, but I was also doing it with her as well.
The other thing is, I always put a positive spin on her cancellations. I was struggling on those days, but then I struggle on most days. I’d tell her it’s absolutely fine and that it’s worked out well. The truth is, I needed to see her, and was prepared to see her, despite how ill I felt.
There have been so many cancellations over the last eighteen months. Liron asked, if this was a plumber, and they kept cancelling, would I still use them? Of course, the answer is an emphatic no. Why was I putting up with this from my therapist?
Liron looked at me in horror when I asked if her therapist has done this with her. She said no. The latest cancellation was the day before. Never on the day of the therapy. She normally gives her at least three to four weeks’ notice of planned absences.
From the things my therapist said, it felt like she thought I had an unhealthy attachment to her, which is absolutely ridiculous. I know the boundaries in therapy. I sadly couldn’t correct her assumption during those moments, because I was too shocked by her words. I was desperate for her help, which might’ve come across this way, but it wasn’t the truth. Again, it was an assumption. She needed to talk with me about it. She never talked with me. She never asked many questions.
It felt like she was weaponizing my fears of abandonment at the very end of our session, on Thursday. She looked pissed with me. I couldn’t understand why. I was extremely upset after what had just happened.
She might’ve been pissed because I didn’t fully agree with what she was saying about my artwork, and artists in general. I spoke up for myself. I didn’t realise it at the time because it was an automatic response. I’ve done really well, haven’t I?!
With her annoyance, she abruptly told me that she wasn’t going to be there for the next three weeks. When she saw my upset, her response was “I’m not always going to be here”. I replied, “I know”. I can’t even remember if I said bye to her or if she just ended the call.
She was cruel in that moment, wasn’t she? She’s supposed to be my therapist, and she wonders why I can’t go to the darkest places with her. She blamed me instead of looking at her own actions, words and assumptions. Just like my dad and family did. Just like others have.
Again, what happened at the end wasn’t the first time, but with everything that happened during this session, my trust and safety with her completely went. She’s a therapist, she knows the harm she could potentially cause with her parting words. She knew it would trigger me, yet she still did it. She knew she’d be leaving it with me for three weeks. This makes her dangerous. She wasn’t keeping me safe at all.
What happened on Thursday has caused me to wake up to everything that has been happening. I can now see everything with clarity, and I’ve gotten in touch with how I’ve really been feeling with my therapist. I’m also seeing how harmful her assumptions are, and how she expresses them as facts despite not knowing the full facts.
This is a pattern with me. I sometimes put up with a lot of crap from someone, I do my best to forget, make excuses for them, but then I do reach my breaking point and put a stop to it. I also realise that I haven’t forgotten anything in these moments, and everything comes blazing to the fore. I’ve always done this, but it shouldn’t have to get to breaking point for me to realise the situation is toxic or not right for me.
I thought my therapist was the only person who could help, just like I did with my perpetrator. I was almost there and thought she’d be able to help me through it, but she was never the right person. I see that now. The perpetrator was never the right person either. Far from it. I didn’t feel fully safe with either of them. I didn’t fully trust them.
I think she might’ve thought I’d fall apart like I did with you, if our therapy came to an abrupt end. She doesn’t know me at all. I actually feel free since Thursday. I’m relieved it’s over, well almost. I now have three weeks to process, prepare and recover in time to tell her that I can no longer continue with her, and why.
I honestly didn’t see this coming, but the signs were there all along. I ignored it because I thought she would be able to help me, because of the help she initially gave me. I mustn’t do this in future. I need to start trusting myself and how I feel. I mustn’t ignore the warning signs. I do see the patterns of my behaviour, and they do need changing.