War Child…
28th August 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? How has your day been? I really hope you’re okay my lovely and you’re having a really good day. The sun’s come out to take you home. It’s 16.58. I’m keeping everything crossed you haven’t got too long to go {} xxx
I don’t know what it is with these triggers at the moment. Liron left for Cambridge today for work. She’ll be back tomorrow evening. Not long after she left, I heard someone at the door. It sounded like a delivery, but then it sounded like someone was trying to put a key in the door. They were there for a while. It scared the life out of me. I got to the top of the stairs and was almost about to say “No”, until the package got through the letter box.
The delivery person must have had something metal on them that was knocking against the handle or key hole. It really sounded as if someone was trying to get in. I knew it wasn’t Liron because she was at the station.
Thankfully I had therapy shortly after. I haven’t felt this scared for years. I did feel shaken. I was terrified much of the time after my mum died, even after I left home.
My therapist is right, it’s like a mirror at the moment to my past. I know I’m not in any danger now, but both the delivery person who took the photo the other week, and today’s special sound effects, made me feel unsafe at home. Liron wasn’t here on both occasions.
That’s where the mirror comes in. I was unsafe at home after my mum died. She wasn’t there to keep me safe. I know I’ve said this many times, but Liron has always been like my mum, and unconsciously this is how she felt. She provides the same safety.
I’m realising I’m saying my mum died in these letters to you rather than passed away. That’s the very first time.
Today’s session was the worst one I’ve had in a while. I felt the fear after thinking someone was trying to get in. It triggered memories of me locking myself in the living room on Saturday mornings, and my dad trying to get in. It wasn’t every week. It’s just that those were the days the room was empty, so I could lock myself in when he was in his rages.
I was terrified. I honestly thought he was going to kill me. My grandfather was in the kitchen. I think the others upstairs. A house full of people but I felt so alone. They couldn’t keep me safe. They always left it until they knew he wasn’t going to stop.
During the session, you came to mind whilst I was in that room. You are my safety as well. My therapist asked me to go into the room as an adult and be with me as a child. Because my brain was already in a flight or fight state after misinterpreting the sound, I was distressed as the adult as well. I couldn’t picture the room or the child clearly. I did tell her that she was safe. I hugged her and then I apologised to her. I’ve let her down so badly.
I couldn’t stay in that room. I needed to get out. I abandoned her again. I am in a much better state right now. I need to feel completely safe at home again, then I’ll be able to go back to that room at home, and be with me as a child. I need to rescue her.
I’m running so hard at the moment. It’s exhausting. I’m trying to escape, but I can’t escape this room, in the same way I couldn’t escape the bedroom and the living room at home.
I remembered how terrified I was of the phone. It always made me jump when it rang. This is after I left home. I only felt at ease with it after I needed to use it for work. I was scared of people most of the time. I have changed a hell of a lot over the last ten years, but the terror is still there because it hasn’t been processed.
At school, I would scream when ever anyone touched me unexpectedly. It was an automatic reflex. I couldn’t control it. Liron’s right and you agreed, I am a war child.
It completely clouded over but it’s brightened up again. If you haven’t already, I really hope you’ll be leaving very soon {} xx
Once you get home and everything is done, sit back and completely switch off with something wonderful. Take it gently and rest, rest and rest my lovely. Enjoy the most beautiful and delicious evening for me too {} xxx
I love you so much and I’m hugging you with all my heart. It’s 18.18 {} xxxx