Words…
26th July 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I hope you’re okay my lovely, and you had a very restful night’s sleep. I hope you’re taking it gently and slowly waking up {} xxx I wish I could ask how your day’s going to be.
With it being so grey and fairly quiet, it feels like a Sunday. I’m feeling a little bit better but I still feel the fluey symptoms and chills. System and heart rate are higher as well. I can’t say for sure and I hope I’m wrong, but the improvement could’ve been due to the high iron dosage. This means it’s temporary.
I am badly triggered. With everything coming up at the same time, all my thoughts, feelings, fears and worries are resurfacing as well. I changed so much during and since the fine art course, and especially over the last few years, but those things are still there and they raised their head last night.
I worried in case I’d written the wrong words in a message. I thought I might inadvertently upset them and they’d think I didn’t care. I got into a panic state. My tummy churned and I felt like a very bad person. It felt like it was the end of the world. I showed Liron what I’d written and she said it was absolutely fine. There was nothing wrong with it. It showed I cared. I’m still worrying about it. I feel like a child again. The anxiety is real.
I used to think about every single word I said. I was constantly stressed. I was always worried about upsetting people. Worried that they might misinterpret what I say. Worried they’d think the worst of me. Something tiny was blow out of all proportion. I was blamed for things I had no control over. It was hurtful and harmful.
I remember asking you to sing something, and you very kindly did. Thank you so much my lovely {} xxx It didn’t sound like how you normally sound, so I thought you were joking. I felt so awful when you said it wasn’t a joke. I thought I’d upset you. I thought you’d think I was being insensitive and horrible. I apologised and you asked me why I was apologising. When I said it was for upsetting you, you asked me why I thought I’d upset you. Thank you so much for asking me these questions {} xx
I’ve always known where it’s come from, but seeing how badly it’s affected me and my behaviour, it’s hitting me even harder. It naturally started at home. Things I said was taken out of context and it was used against me. This happened a lot with my dad and grandfather. No one believed me or really listened to me.
Most of the family thought I didn’t love my mum because I didn’t show my grief. Not wanting to see her in her coffin compounded this. I didn’t want to remember her like that. They thought the very worst of me and I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I felt I shouldn’t exist.
My words being taken out of context and twisted also put me in danger with my dad. No one seemed to care or see the role they sometimes played in this, especially in my late teens. I couldn’t really trust anyone in that house after my mum died. I wanted to and I tried, but I was let down so many times.
I had years where I was terrified of saying the wrong thing, even after I left home, so I said nothing and stayed quiet. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t have any confidence. With nineteen years of being in such a toxic environment, it’s natural everything would seep in. I automatically thought everyone would be this way with me. This is still there. Last night showed it. The difference now is that I’m not in any danger, and this is something I need to keep reminding myself, especially when I’m triggered.
I’ve changed due to the positive experiences I’ve had with people, the last nine years in particular. You really have been instrumental in this. Thank you so, so much {} xxx As it is with Liron, I could say anything to you without it being catastrophic. There were still moments I felt scared, but it didn’t stop me. The only time fear took over and stopped me was when you contacted me in February. I was severely triggered and terrified. It’s the first time I felt scared of you. Thankfully that’s gone now. I’m just fearful of being hurt, which would be natural.
The only way I’m going to be able to start changing is by being aware of my thoughts, recognise where they’re coming from, and challenging that narrative. Being silent was the only way I could keep myself safe, but that danger has gone now. The majority of people aren’t like my family, but I sadly can’t see that during a triggered state. This is going to take time, awareness and conscious effort. I also need to be kind to myself. This is still difficult but I am improving little by little.
My childhood experiences with my family have shaped how I see the world severely, and how I think it sees me. I need to slowly start changing it. Growing up, my family were ‘normal’ to me, and they made me believe that I was the one who was odd, had problems and was unlovable. I was the bad person. I didn’t have another family to compare them with, but my mum showed me another way of being and feeling. I was very happy with her, and she made me feel loved, safe and wanted. She really did save me. She never abandoned me.
I know words can be interpreted differently or incorrectly depending on our mood and how we’re feeling. I’ve done this so many times with you since November. Same words are read differently. This is where misunderstandings can arise, and it also highlights how critical clear communication is. Clarification should always be asked if it’s not clear. I took our last conversation in March as you not wanting to know, but I may have been wrong. I probably was. I should’ve asked you. I’m truly and deeply sorry, I really am {} xxx
Triggers and our past can mar our view, making it foggy and unclear, and sometimes dangerous, but that view can be changed. I hope so. Awareness is always the first step.
Writing this has really helped. My heart rate and system have calmed down. I don’t feel as triggered. Fingers crossed it also means the improvements by the iron infusions haven’t gone.
It’s now 13.08. I imagine you’ll be having something fabulous for lunch. Thoroughly enjoy every delicious mouthful for me as well my precious sweetheart. Take the greatest care of yourself, and enjoy a very beautifully chilled, relaxing and fun day {} xxx
It’s starting to brighten a little. The fog is lifting. I love you so much and sending you tons and lots of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing and protective bear hugs. It’s 13.13 {} xxxx