Your Final Act of Love and Kindness…
21st December 2024
I felt I lost you all over again this morning, when I learnt I was absolutely right in thinking, your disclosure was your final act of love and kindness for me. My heart shattered all over again, and the pain and tears flowed.
I never knew about the different types of attachment styles until a few weeks ago. I had no idea at all. I might be completely wrong in saying this, but from what you said and from what I’m learning, it would’ve been easier for you to have ended the friendship without any explanation.
I also know it would’ve been extremely difficult and upsetting for you, to tell me what you did. I knew at the time, but didn’t realise the magnitude of it. I’m so, so sorry my lovely, I truly am. Please forgive me {} xxx
It’s only recently that I realised you might’ve been triggered since the Wednesday, and would’ve been on Thursday evening. Yes you’re right, it was a crazy conversation that night. I’m so, so sorry. I could see it when I revisited it.
My brain wasn’t working. It was my Long Covid brain. Some things didn’t make sense. WhatsApp interfered by delaying a question, and it sounded completely wrong. My saving grace was the following day when my brain was working again, and I could write properly.
It wasn’t the ideal time to have that conversation. You were also shattered that evening, so I knew it needed to be quick for you as well. I know you didn’t want to talk about what you disclosed further, but I had no idea you might’ve been triggered badly that night. I really wish I knew. The conversation would’ve been different.
I hadn’t fully come out of my trigger either, so I was still in an anxious and panic state. This didn’t help.
It now feels as if we were seeing things from completely different perspectives. In some ways, we were on different planets that night. We really needed to have a proper talk.
Clear communication is critical because it avoids misinterpretation and misunderstandings. It helps us have a better understanding of each other. We did this easily in the past, but failed at the most critical moment. I’m in tears. It could have been avoided.
The screen was also a barrier. I couldn’t see how you were really feeling. I feel as if I’ve let you down so badly. Please, please forgive me {} xxx
I now feel I handled the last few days extremely badly. I tried to give you reassurance and comfort, but I’m not sure if it’s the type of reassurance and comfort you needed. I’m not sure if I made things worse for you. I apologise with all my heart if I did. I had no idea.
If I did make it worse, it honestly was never my intention to cause you any further pain, distress or harm. None whatsoever. I just desperately wanted to help you. I wish I could go back and put this right.
I can’t tell you how incredibly sorry, sad and upset I am, to now know the full extent of what you might’ve been going through during the last few days. My heart breaks for you and the mechanisms involved.
Knowing your disclosure was an act of love and kindness breaks my heart further. You helped me understand why you needed to end it. I thank you with all my heart my precious angel {} xxx I feel it also helped me know and understand you much better, which in turn has made me love you even more.
I just wish I knew what I know now during our friendship. It would’ve helped greatly. I always wanted to know and understand you better. It would’ve helped me be more sensitive to your needs, and adapt if and when needed. It might’ve helped prevent some of my triggers with you. It might’ve helped prevent some of your triggers with me as well. It’s easy to see and make sense of things in hindsight.
I know the love, care and support for each other was mutual. It was a very positive, understanding and nurturing friendship. It was special, precious and rare.
I know some of our wires did get crossed, and words got lost in translation over the last few days. It’s too late to put that right as well. For me, there are so many what ifs. I know it can’t be changed, but I can’t help wondering. I’d say the last few days are my biggest regret.
I never ever wanted to lose you. Never in a million years. The book Never Let Me Go coming to mind, when we hugged that October, still rings true. I never wanted you to let me go {} xxxx
There’s one more regret. Not being able to sit next to you when we last met, because the two small stools were in the way.
12.45pm
Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill just popped up. I remembered you sending me First Aid Kit’s brilliant version during recovery from my first knee surgery.
I wish we could’ve traded places on the last few days, so that I could’ve known and understood you fully. I could’ve helped and given you what you might’ve needed.
Actually, I wish we could’ve traded places much sooner, along with those stools. I wish I told you that you were completely safe with me. You really were. I wasn’t going anywhere.
27th December 2024 – 8.39pm
I’ve just noticed something. The message you sent on the final evening at 19.09 didn’t reach me until you sent the next messages at 19.40 and 19.41. There must’ve been a delay for half an hour, because I’m certain they all followed each other.
I didn’t look at the time until tonight. I didn’t know. You probably wondered why I hadn’t responded to your earlier message like I normally do. You know me well enough. I would have said something and given you reassurance. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel nauseous. This was WhatsApp’s fault. Expletives are running through my head.
Could the ending have been avoided? Am I to blame? So much miscommunication at the most critical moment. WhatsApp didn’t help. So many regrets. I do feel distressed with this realisation. Tears are flowing again. Frank O’Hara’s right, the waves kept me from reaching you that day.
I really will need to get this letter to you at some point. I just can’t at the moment because I’m still in pieces. I don’t think it would be the right time for you either. I will when the time is right, but I don’t know how long that will take. I think it might be a year or two. This is going to take a long time
11.07pm
This just popped up. Yes, breathe. I thought of you too when I saw it. I’m still thinking about it. It feels like such a mess. I really feel so much could’ve been avoided. I wish I could hug you {} xxxx
13th January 2025 – 11.06am
I just read our last conversation again. You thought I didn’t need you. I don’t know why I didn’t say I did, because I really did. I needed and wanted you in my life. I didn’t want you to think I needed you in a needy way. I never did, but I most definitely needed you. I wish I told you so. How I wish I told you I needed you because I really do.
My heart’s breaking all over again, and the flood gates have opened up. So many regrets for the last few days. I desperately wish I could put it right. I wish I could send this to you right now.