I watched The Last Unicorn for the first time. The Last Unicorn lost their innocence and how they saw the world when they became a woman. There was confusion and sadness when she starts seeing the world as it really is. She loses herself and her innocence, but then she falls in love with Prince Lir, who loves her unconditionally.
The part that moved me and brought me to tears, was the moment she becomes a unicorn again. However, unlike all the other unicorns who were freed, she had feelings of regret. All the human emotions stayed with her, including love. She was no longer like all the other unicorns. She was alone. It struck a chord with the grief I’m feeling. I also feel lost and have regrets as well.
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue came to mind after the film ended. In that moment my need to express my own feelings of grief, love and regret of my precious friend was insuppressible.
I remembered a letter writing project I had in mind about 8 years ago. I always loved reading The Guardian’s A Letter To… People expressed their true thoughts and feelings in those letters, which I’ve always felt is extremely important. It’s instrumental in the work I do and my creative process.
My initial thought was to ask people to write a letter of their regrets, and I’d create an installation or pieces of artwork to express their feelings. I also planned to have a webpage where their letters could be read in their entirety.
My world’s completely changed since then, it’s become much smaller. Since having Long Covid, I’m pretty much confined to my bed for the last four years.
I don’t have enough energy to really communicate with anyone, without making my symptoms and condition worse. I don’t have enough energy to look after myself. The energy I will use to work on this, is the energy I spent with my friend.
After watching The Last Unicorn, I realised the letter writing project was for me. It’s to help me express and work through my own grief. This is the first time I haven’t dissociated from the pain after experiencing such a devastating loss.
Dissociation was always automatic due to all the trauma I’ve experienced. It helped me go through it. It helped me survive.
It was my beautiful and precious friend who helped me get to this point, where I feel safe enough to be able to feel. They’re helping me go through this grief. It’s quite a paradox, I had to lose them in order to truly feel. How I wish it wasn’t so. I never wanted to lose them.
